mind blower

Another day, another day of my feelings. Another day of facing my thoughts.
How long am i ging o put up with him, how log can i make out im happy.
If someone were to look at me, id go.
I m pretty sure now that its over in my minds eye. I dont like him anymore and when we both realsie that then it will be better all round for all of our sakes

I've had an yet another altercation with hubby about money this morning and the cash jobs he's doing. Its not fair on the company.
So that gave him another excuse for him to call me and shout at me. I also asked him whether I was going to have a helper this morning, as i had aksed, again that met some resentment and agagin he called me and shouted at me in front of my little one.
I of course said that if i cant have a helper would he help me, again my request was met with being swore at, called and shouted at. and blame now and anger directed at me.
Well at the end of the day if he wont help me, it s big place then i have to have help. Either that or we move.
In fact i dint feel i should move at all, it all only upseing , and to move because he wont help me around the plce is really not that fair.
I of course am feeling realy shaky after all his anger again being directed at me. Its not fair. I have to ask him all the time.
Only to be met with bullying remarks.
I really dont know how long i shouls have to put up withthis, it s amking me feel down again and beating down my defences.

I ve had enough. He s very insecure and the comments and statements are coming thick and fast.
I feel sorryforhim actually but its not nice being on the recieving end of it.
I ve been told all week that im rude and horrible, look at the state of me etc etc
Yesterday i wa having a laugh with one of our employees and he called me motormouth and a flid, that was just brushed off
Yestady afternoon i insited that we visited his brother, for our son to visit his cousins andon the way he remarked that his brother had lied to him and he hates leslie. He of course doesnt hate her but hates himself.
I started a casual conversation about a client, the biggest builder in the country , who has just laid off half its staff and cut back all its work, including ours. I mentioned that they stopped trading last december and we should just be careful and aksed him he should ask who we should be quoting and invoicind for and he got angry as hell, blood boiling and said he doens t want to talk about it anymore.
on the way home he started talking about how hes going to get the car stolen or burnt out and cliam the insurance
I of course asked why would he want to do such a thing like that for ? and how stupid he was, again he got very angry and red in the face.
He started to speed the car up and i was a bit scraed at his speed, i asked him to slow down and that was it, it gave him cause to start swearing at me and making me feel like shit that i just asked him. he started deaming my haracter once again.
Last night in bed he asked me why have i been so horrible over the last few weeks.
I just said its him whose been horrible.
Its been like this for about two weeks now, saying im rude and horrible its almost like bullying.
I of course canot cope with this because of my experience of bullying.
hursday evening s horrible comments where realsied when the secretary pointed out to me that she pointed out to him that now i own the business if he is horrible to me then when push comes to shove its my business and not his.
One would of thought that he would be nice, but obviously not liking this statement and blamimg me for this predicament he came in and just started verbally attcking my character onmce again.
Its getting to be a situation that is out of hand . Im scared of him but now i can see his insecurties and of course i will have to protect my little man form hearing this.
I have nt done enyhting or said anything to cuase him to be angry at me at all.
If anyhting the more i feel secure and happy about myslef the more he becomes hsotile.I am worried for my welfare and safety.
I m wondering whether i should ask him to leave now. he starts of being nice of a weekend but as soon as he is stressed its like a lttery as to what remark he will come out with to bury my emotions.
i think maybe i should wirte a letter to him ask him to get some counseling. I fhe doens t then i see no future for us.

After a traumatic weak i feel so much better. After seeing things for what they are to be honest.
Its obvious that the position myhubby places me in then takes out his insecurties on me are taking there toll.
I will of course address this matter withhim im the coming weeks and insist he sees a counsellor.
If he doesn t and he continues with unprovoked remarks demeaning comments , jibes , swearing and controlling manner then i will no longer put up with it for good.
He is probably unaware of his controlling manner , i will point thme out to him and make him see, if after then he still continues then for my sake aswell as my little one i will have to move on

its not good feeling like this, people just look at you in dispair not knowing what to do.

Im sitting here and i feel scared of something for some reason, i feel very stressed and just want to run away.
I wish i knew what it was. I feel really sick and want to eat to comfort myself. Only wish i knew what it was. maybe i should just cry , i dont know anymore........................
Nothing seems to be geting any better, i was doing so well and now im not again.
At times like this i really dont know what to do for the best.

Really stressd today. My eyes feel as if they ve got grit in them.
My back feels as if its got spikes in it and they re being bent the other way.
I don't know why I feel stressed, usual shit going on with hubby, nothing more nothing less, usual shitty comments and usual crap again. I just need a cuddle really but all i get is horrible remarks and more stuff just dumped onto me to do.
He s invited friends around for dinner this evening and i m really not in the mood.
Having to put on a happy face may or may not do me good.
I realise of course that hubby accuses me of moaning even when i m trying t o explain how i feel, only for me to realise that s his defense of truth hurting and then this morning accuses me of being rude. Yet i had to be the butt of his tiredness last night.
I m sick of being at the end of his wrath.
I m sick of sitting on the fence with an important decision.
so im going to make a few lists, Wrath list and dislikes list and also my own list of why im unhappy.
It seems to me that this may be the only way i can come to a decsion and i dont wnat to look back and think what a bloody big mistake i ve made.

Very stressed today, Ive got loads of work in the office and i m not keeping up with it, deadlines are not being met and its not as if i can ask for help other then employ someone to help.
I hate working in the office as it is ans with the school holidays and not being able to enjoy the days off i feel even worseknowing what ive got to come back to.
Hubby again is not being very understanding and accuses me of moaning when i protest or explain that i dont want to talk about work. He came home last night and didnt lift a finger to give little amn his tea or bath or even clean his teeth after taking him to cadbury world yesterday. Again i was expected to be superwoman again.
My feelings toward him are of anger and frustration most days now. Not forgetting that on a work day he has invited people over for tea. Again as wonderwaoman ll do a whole day in the office , see to all the animals and enteratin in the evening and be fresh in the morning to start agagin.
Having to work in an environment which i dont like, as im an outside person puts me under stress and last thing i need s more stress to come home to.
Ideally i dont want to work, why should i , so much pressure as a woaman to hold all the cards in the air and when your tired these feelings are exploded ten fold.

Hubby said we had people around for tea today, so i got the salmon out the freezer, prepared the salad items and new potatoes only for hubby o say oh there not coming today there coming on thursday.
Great, after saturday nights disaster im well and truly pissed off now. Well he sthe one who wants people around for tea all the time , he can bloody cook for them !
He s always moaning that we dont have people around and we do all the time, well stuff him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i aint playing his insecure game no more.

On a down, waking up feeling blue, find myself thinking thoughts over and over again to justify my mood and to even create drama and more sadness.
Why do i do this, i cant make out if my feelings are justified or i just look on the black side of things
I cant make out if im unhappy and need to change hings only to be here again in another few years or if things really are not right.
My desperate nee to talk to people also now makes me feel that im a dram queen and just makning mountains outta mole hills.
Subject topic is justified of course and its stresful to me and i remember being in this situtaion so many times and the way i feel is destructive almost.
Run away, give things up !!
I feel pressurised into preforming for liitle un as he s on hol and presured into meeting up with people when they ask me.
I m nervous about doing all these things and it makes me feel down. These feelings must be once again be a sign of my fears of people and not about me as a person.
God this is hard !!.
My self destruct stuff i must work out. do I crave for peoples approval maybe by bringing up sympathy in people and creating drama and sadness within myslef and to those around me ? a possiblility.
Must have been the only time when i got attention i really needed from mum and dad.
Makes me feel tearful saying these things, mt attention needs are dram creation rather than driving like and idiot , like my hubby.
So there it is maybe, another one chris , for the record.
Trouble is , like a panic attack, whats a panic attck and whats a heart attcak, when will i know the difference.

Woke up this morning feeling really blue, which is weird after a relatively calm weekend, after sleeping off tiredness last week.
I Felt as if there was a dark thing in my head.I have this feeling most summers and usualy gets worse AS Christmas comes. I do feel the pressure into enjoying myself when im completely satisfied in staying and enjoying my company athome a seeing a few freinds. This feeling normaly is srong enough to make me stay in bed but not today thank god at least.
I ve got the day with harvey toady and i want to take him out for a few hours while its sunny.
Im not happy with my hubby forcing me and lying to me to make me sign some important documents.
He made a mistake and is trying to get out of it.
Hes doing it to safegurad us as a family but he has the choice aswell and just going with his mistake too and not having to make such a drastic move.
Im not happy at all about this decsion and i protested my point, i ve also drawn a line of tolerance with him and what im prepared to put up with.
I also stated that in supporting him in this decsion then he is to stand by me when im not well too.
I am currently helping my self and i ve actaully gained alot of self esteem and confidence recenlty and feel at ease with myself alot lately.
It will of course take time for him to recognise that but also if he continues to not support me or continues to critise me and put me down for feeling annxious then i can no longer support him.
It s geting better though.
However his happiness is fueled by the weight of his mistake being sorted out.
If anything i feel frightened when he s happy as he starts to want to buy things and do things. Its like living with a kid. I m constantly having to check him and his spending . I wish he woiuld get an interest in a hobby or soemthing to occupy and focus his mind.
Anything really thats doent involve spending lots and lots of money.
I shall make a point of saying to him how his wants for this and that makes my security feel threatened.

Last week i crashed and burned. This week I got back up.
Still confused by my hormones, If I acted on my thoughts every month i m sure i d be a hopeless loser by now. Still trying to make out whther hormones make your brain go funny or whether what you really want is what you do really want