mind blower

No sooner than i thought things were safe to go out the door then bammm!, back into oblivion! It was only an hour ago when I was emailing a friend saying how happy i was then that was it, sent back into being scred in an instant.! Hubby and i were asked out to a meal out, with next door, that was fine, but then to say this week, as we ve already got a ball to go to on saturday was like too much for me. I m preparing for the ball in my own mind and i suppose ive been caught totally off gurad by this sudden invite
. Well i think maybe the fact that i ve been preparing for the ball and looking forward to going is and indication that making me prepare for the event in plenty of time is a good thing. I know where it is , what im to wear etc, so in a sense im not really right after all. I do enjoy going out of and evening its just the lead up to it, so after being suddenly asked i immediatly hit out and made sarcastic remark to howard. Thinking about it now, although my comments were justified i should nt of said them. so now that leaves me feeling total dread about going out, mid week too, unprepared. So im thinking why am i so anxious !. Well its the same thing again isnt it, i had to put up with rude sarcastic comments and also mum would mention that i was an independant liitle person and obviously i would nt have liked any of the decisisons she would of had to have made for me, her being the adult thing. The whole situation just totally sent me into stress.
I feel like crying to be honest i feel so upset and yet yes i like to go out for a meal and next door are great people to get along with.Im scared about going and im scared of the sudden upset.In esscence im realsing that ive still a long way to go and apart from being asked of my opinion, which i will approach hubby about then i should just talk to myself and say its ok, you'll have a good time, there is nothing to worry about and have a good time. It's alot to have to deal with, the journey in the car, the people thing when im getting ther and of course the waiting and lead time up to it, basically everything. well sunday was a greaqt day and that was so unexpected and unknown and after talking to myself about the journey on the way i was fine. I m even finding myself trying to block out the fact that im going, maybe that would be a good thing and worry about it all at the time, it certainly be another way of managing . Managing has to be the answer, like preraing for the ball , so blocking out that im going would be the same thing too if i have issues about going. one day at a time thing. loads of people say that and i ve never really quite realised what that means until recently.
I m going to have to accept that i will always have issues and i just have to learn how to mange them like i am now. I do remebr though that i use to go out on impulse , as a teenager, when my confidence was at its highest i suppose. I do feel alot more confident than i have doen for years to behoenst and i should rawon that warm feeling too now.
Well now i ve calmed down things are nt that bad,i owe an apology to hubby but o will also explain why.
O h yes hubby and nearly had a full scale row this morning, but i manged to keep a lid on my own stress levels. He so stressed he doesnt realise how he tlaks to me and he talsk down and over me and doe snt listne to my opinion. When its come to this business its alwsys been like this between us , so instead of rising to the occasion, i went and cleaned the bathroom, and for sure hubby , after half hour came after me . i explained that i find wacthing him do the acounts and run the business embarrassing as he doesn t know what he s doing, i handed the reigns over to him last year beacuse of the arguments. He said well why dont i'd the accounts then. My answer was that im not going to put myseLf in a siutation where he justs shouts me down all the time when i m trying to say the way things are with the business and i don t want to work with him. I asked him to calm his stress levels down toward me and that i find it upsetiing all the time that he raises his voice to me the way he does.H e said i interupt him, i say he interupts me. but even then he started going off on one about things and shouting agagin about another subject, agagin i calmly just pointed out again, look at the way he s acting, i said, its not on, its not acceptable to me and even to himself. its as if he trys to make me rise to the situation, either that or he wants me to give him the answers and mother him.So therS it is, another discusion and small talk about him being OVER stressed and its upsetting. I suppose in a way i m having counselling and able to cope with my stress and see things for what they are, he isn t. I don t mind pointing out things to him and helping him just as im getting help but there s only so much i can do

As my stress levels come down , i m noticing my senses more.
Cheese is so bloody salty ! and sugar so sweet. Its really weird.