mind blower

I am really knackered today. Get anxious when im tired. Went counselling today to. Spoke about huuby again. He needs counselling really.
proud of liitle man too. he s playing rugby with the big boys.

Today im feeling great, thank god weather has eased for a while, it was starting to get unbearable esp sunday. Pleased with myself for feeling relaxed and i also picked up on something someone said on the tv other day. " If your shy and sensitive then you just have to prepare yourself more" I notice as well that when I prepare my little man he seems to do things easier and more comfrotable with things.
It also answered my question regarding the episdoa that happend on hol when hubby just keeps,flittling form one thing to another, im not selfish or controlling. I just need to be prepared. I was also aware of PMT and heat anxiety too. So all in all I m happy with what i achived and it was a far cry from taking to my bed and im not doing anything at all like the last weeend awayand i m not going to let hubbies comments get to me either.
He is impulsive and cant sit still, so i told him so, im pleased that now im actually able to say things for what they are which I have never done before.
I realsie that when i prepare my self, and have a routine to the day it goes so much better. Having to do things out of this routine though is still a bit not good. And for now i will just be gald to do normal things again and not feel pressured into doing things when im not prepared.
I must also note for the record my little man, at the age of six and half, volunteered to iron some clothes yesterday morning. I was pleased at his willingness to help and even more so when, with direction, he actually ironed all of his own clothes!
I mst also note for the record that since voicing my opinion a few weeks ago and me making a stand agaginst his anger at me all the time and spoke to himabout how he treats and talks to me, he has been checking himself and is more relaxed himself. He is overall much nicer and is making an effort with little man so much its changed the atmosphere within the household overall.
I still of course have my own paranoid moments and thoughts raging through my head on occasion aobout hubby and must note that i should aim to keep these thoughts at bay for a day or two until my emotions chill more and then say what im really thinking after ive calmed down.
Intial thougths seem to be instant lashing out reactions whiach are distructive and doe snt achive anything. Only ythe stuff you thin after are the real things.

Back off holiday, weather is good and also good now back. The week had its ups and downs, doens were cuased by hubby pushing me to far.
He cant relax, just like today, its sunday and baking hot, should be relaxing and enjoying house but he wants, wants and wants to do something all the time.
ALTHOUGH I FOUND MYSLEF BEING DOWN ON HOL IT MADE ME REALISE THAT I DO DO ALOT , I WAS HARD ON MYSELF FOR NOT DOING ANYHTING BUT IT WAS HUBBY WHO MADE ME FEEL THAT WAY CAUSE HE CANT REST OR RELAX.
DIDINT COME AWAY ON HOL FOR SWIMMING HE SAID, YET THTAS ALL WE DO WHEN WE GO ABROAD, SAME WITH CAR, DIDNT COME ON HOL TO BE A CAUFFIE THEN AGAGIN THATS ALL WE DO ON HOOLIDAY S DRIVE AROUND.
today he wasnt little man to have a freind around, i ve said its sunday and family day. i SAID JUST CUASE HE CANT SIT STILL AND RELAX AND IS NOT COMFORTABLE IN HIS OWN COMAPNY THEN IT S NOT FAIR FOR HIM TO PRESS THAT ANXIETY ONTO ME OR HIS SON.
iM GLAD I CAN SEE THIS, ITS MAKES ME STAND MY GROUND MORE WITH THE ANSWERS AS TO WHY I FEEL LIKE CRAP AND CHRIST I DO MORE THAN ,OST PEOPLE I KNOW FOR SURE!!!!!!!!!!!

I ve packed and got he house ready for the baby sitters and now i feel really tired. I fel a bit nervous too. I feel nervous about the journey and hope that hubby will be supportive should i get over nervous. I do just feel like crying at this point in time. maybe its all the exxcitement and nerves coming out. I must also add for the record that i did tn get any help packing and i had to organise the house sitter and food for the week as well as book it. Its again the time when i get nervous m y anger gets aimed at hubby. just like his anger is at me when he is stressd.
Th e diference is however that I should be helped in these tasks and e stress is nothing to do with me.Im feeling like a vunerable child agagin as the time to leave approaches and i feel nervous and short of breath too.
Thers lots going on around me and to be honest i suppose my tiredness is down to me nerves more than the amount of energy i have.#
I am looking forward to the hol but not the journey and just want a huggle from hubby when i feel like crying really, i ll go ask him for a hug in a min.
This is also the first week away since i been free from my worries and in its self is also a new thing to experience. I ll just take thing as they come and not expect too much . even now i m sat here wishing i cant wait to get back. Get back to being in control maybe and in comtrol of my feelings maybe.
Well i ve no more worries and it will be fine, theres absolutelty nothing to worrry about at all and i am allowed to enjoy myself and have fun and just do nothing an we can stop when we want , we can even come home when we want. I know where we are going and love it where we are going too.
Well i gotta go.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I would like to express my opinion on having just viewed these sites in order to find a friend as i was directed to these site to find someone.
I just hope that aafter seeing alot of my employees, curent and old friends, ex school mates and collgeues , that these sites are being used genuinely used to conatc one another and not like how mobile phones are used, where it seems to be the case if you have the latest phone and always recieving calls and texts it confirms that you are someone of worth and have lots of friends just like viewing all the pics of friends attached to each individual on these sites.

Little one off from holiday club and i m winding down for or family holiday.
Wrote lists and instructions to myself on what to pack and buy before we go.
Spoke to hubby last night on how decisions he making affect me. He is still raw but in a few days he should realise this.
Its really weired but he s not the hubbie i know at the moment. His head is obviously full of stuff and he s tiding the place up .
My session with my counsellor was enlightening again.
We discussed progress and how i ve been able to go up town on my own without having a panick attack or feeling anxious and how i went out then i went to vivst my freind too which i ve been putting of for ages as i regulary use to get panick attacks on the way back home from her house.
My friend has just finished her teaching course and looks wiped out and tired.
But i like here as she is so down to earth and her feet are firmly on the ground and we both enjoy sports. She has done three triathlons now
i ve only done one and hope to do another one next year.
My other friend on the surface of things is fine but she has put on so much weight. She again is very sporty and we use to play squash and tennis and swim and areobics and gym every day of the week, since she has had to work full time and had a desk job the food she is obviously eating the same and she not burning it off.
Well im an hour behind this morning so gotta go , things to do........

My story continuation is going to have to wait another while longer. Things at home are ok but very Rocky.
I ve had to draw the line again this week with hubbie on how much i m prepared to put up with.
He is of course listening and accpets what i have to say. Its been working well , little man and I are so much more relaxed in his company and he is very aware of that and we are as a who getting on well and have turned or corner.
The threat of separation still hangs over our heads of course as i ve had to draw the line in the sand of how much his stubborness and business decisions together with stress affect me . But alongside this i ve explained to him that certain decisions he may make i will not be able to cope with mentally
These decisions that he may make are not fair and of his making only. For my sanity and all of our lives, inc little mans, i have said i can not stand by him.
He has accpted that, i ve stood by him in all aspects in the past but if he were to go over the line then he cant expect me to continue on and make myself ill again
It feels comforting to know where we stand with things to be honest and he knows now of my weaknesses and i ve explained my self calmly and with great humility
Pure stubbornness does not warrant any support esp if it affects your life, well being of your self and any chidren.
What a shame....................................
Just hope it ends up all ok and he wont get to that far.

This weekend had been great.
Not only have each day this weekend,I ve done what I wanted, done what i liked and also did things and time for family.
After throwing a teenage rebellious temper tantrum at hubbie for a week or two . Hes got the messge that I m back ! Alive and kicking and not taking any more stress from him. His stress is not mine and as far as my little one goes and myself he's got to make more of and effort and respect the both of us.
Saturday afernoon was great too. ! I went shopping !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I managed to go up town, bit anxious in one shop, but i did it.
Im back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It feels so good to be normal again, I m aware of course not to let it go to my head, still niggling issues, but hey it felt great to get out and away from hubby and little un and the house and responsiblity just for a few hours!!!!!!!!!!
The evening was great again. A Wedding reception. Not all that great an evening but the fact that i sat there with no anxiety and hAving an evening out was brill.
I woke up next morning feeling fine, no anxiety about feling tired or having a panic attack on the treadmill and did loads of tings , not anxious about eating on the dot , only when hungry and just did what i wanted to do full stop.!!!!!!!!!!!
The house is nearly signed off and the decision to press ahead with selling everything is the right decsion.
The wrong reason of course would be to run from stress but its not. We did this for a reason and done it and now we ve got other plans.
A business and home should be sold when it's at its best and when of course you dont need to sell. and our business is in that position right now.
So fellow Bloggers pass he meassage on. View my house. No time wasters please.

I d just like to comment on the fact that after being on this site for a few months and reading peoples Blogs, there are some really really truly talented, open minded, freespirted, intelligent Bloggers here.
Nice to meet you all

So with the inspiration behind me I entered into the world of being a student. The problem came when, as much as was a hard worker and could achive through hard work what i wanted to do, when i went into the class room and canteen there were lots of people, lots of new friends to be made.
Lots of new experiences with people and freedom to be there friends without judgmental comments from mother.
I was free to stay out till as late as I wanted, I was free to live where I wanted and I was free to do as I wanted.
I ended up moving out of the elderly polish ladies house, where mum and dad knew it was safe, into living in a sort of comumune.
Majic mushroom cakes and tea were always being made and hitchhiking was the way I got around the place. The lodgings consisted of the whole of the top foor of this large mansion and one of the boys was a DJ.
Well that was it wasn't it, loud music etc and cold baths was the life.
We lasted three months until we got kicked out and by the time I left I was underweight but happy, or more the word, free!!!!!
The trouble was my studying became left behind.
Again I went from one friendship to another, my pattern of friendships with boys and girls were always unsatisfactory and I felt as if I was looking for something that was not there in all of my friends.
It was the same feeling that I had at school and not fitting in was exactly the same through college and with people I met with every job I had afterwards.
Through the first year at college I was enjoying myself so much I failed the first year and got kicked off the course.
I was devastated, it was an easy course if I put my mind to it aswell.
Towards the end of the course, I had a boyfrined at the time and there as i failed he course there was no way I was going back home.
Mum and dad expected me home of course and I refused and said I was going to set up home with my boyfriend.
Regrettably and sadden as i write this, I now reaslise that I forced my boyfriend Into a situation which was not good behaviour.
I asked him for us to set up home on the basis of me not wanting to go home and with the past still hanging over me in my head and not realising the amends I needed to make, I set up permanent home in my college town and got a checkout job in GATEWAYS.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
Inside I was sorry for myself and disatisfied with my college performance but initially I forced myself into embracing the fact that I was independant and away from home.!!!!!!!

So where was I......
Oh yes dad was upset that I'd left.
Of course being a rebellious teenager I was totally unaware of this. He would come with me to the interviews and he helped me pick a place to live and help me fill out all the forms ....... crying as i write this entry...... and drove me down to the lodgings where i stayed with a polish woman.
I always remember sitting in her rear garden when dad had left and thought, " Is this it?!". I felt empty and I've carried that emptyness around with me ever since.
So I turned my thoughts into the course that was ahead and a new beginning .
In esscence this is how I have led my life ever since.
Filling my life to fill that emptyness and when the emptness comes back I'm depressed. Depressed at  the situation at home and thats why i revert back to all the anger  when things in my life go quiet.
 I have nt dealt wiith that anger I felt  as a child.
So I left home without telling mum how she made me feel.

So it was like that every holiday and each Holiday brought its own  unnique  individual excitement with different sites. Bloxham was my favourite as at lunch time another journey was always made out to RAF Fairford. The Red arrows were based there and dad would park up in a layby at the end of the base, pour the most disgusting cup of tea for us all , which didnt matter as we watched the Red Arrows practice their areobatic display.
I also remembered that at the Bloxham site wee were decorating the home of a famous footballer. I was nt into football but it gave the job some excitment and you flet even more obilged to do a good job.
Dad would always put me on undercoating the garages door and skirting boards. Some jobs I did well and others I didnt. I remember Rob and Ade, dads work mates. Rob was dad's mate who got him into painting and decorating after the 1980's maunfacturing downturn and mass manufacturing reduncies.
It was at this time when dad, once a engineer with tales of what he had contributed to in his engineering life, such as the Thames Barrage and Large scale presses that built bigger machines to telling different stories of painting houses for the rich and famous.
It was the engineering stories that i liked the best. He told the stories of his achivements with such pride and passion. It must have been very devistating when he got made redundant.
He also told us how he had to work with someone he abosolutely hated to the point he would dread every day going into work. When he was angry and tired or if we were naughty he would remind us of this sacrifice that he did for us as a family. Looking back I at it I would have told him I would rather him be happy than to carry such hatred around.
So that was the first memories of my teenage working career. I wanted to do something of worth and of great importance, like my father.

Today............
I've realised that all my other Blogs to other peopls are absolutely aweful to read, so i ve created a new style for my readers, more easy to read and also reader friendly.
I suppose I've been going through a period of off loading and all my Blogs have reflected the content of my brain.
Loads of it really, lots of good things and also lots of rubbish.
I think now as my wounds are healing as my family and I are starting to bond again, i'm ready to acknowledge the present and tell people what i ve been up to more recently, what ive actually achieved in my life in which im so passionte about and cast my opinions on life in the present and indeed share thoughts and opinions with other Blogists.
There are some very lovely Blogs and Pictures on here are absolutely amazing.
So i'd like to contribute my story to this Blog site my journey as an adult......
My story begins...................Leaving home.......................

I suppose im going to have to give him a chance to catch up. He so stressed he does nt know what he does and each day since laste wed i ve spoken to him about the ways he acts. I've changed and i a nt expect him to change too esp when he can't see it. at this moment i d ont really like the things he likes , he does nt want to go to gym, even when we dont have little mand with us. all he wants to do is go out for meals and I cant stand that, he then just wants to leave. He likes bikes, cars and goes diving and i like swimming and walking and cycling. so we have tn that much in common. Its like the dressing up and going to balls, i hate them. Its not my cup of tea really.

DID IT!, This morning, got up and easily went swimming, slightly anxious on the way and when i got in the pool but i was fine. Last time i went with hubbie i was anxious and had to get out but this time was just a easing back into it time. All my old buddies were there, working out at the gym. I miss it so much, it was like going home. oday was a relaxing day, apart form whilst cooking lunch i got really hot and then my mind started racing. I suddenly felt this real hatred come over me toward my hubbie, i cna stand him i wa thinling, i dont like hima ny more, i want out, i was almost o the point of tears and running away Then i went outside knowing that i wa hot and cooled down and the feelings went away. Its weird cause if anything when i get hot its what your really feeling.........im scred now of my feelings. last year i had thoughts of sucide casue my brian was over loaded and now i ve got these feelings i m not sure whats right any more. I feel these things cause of how he is towards me when he s stressed. So he feels the same things when hes hot, he feels angry at me and when i feel got i dont want to be with him.
so we gotta meet in the middle and work things out. He been lovely all weekend, but two days is nt enough to win my affection back. we ve gotta sellt he business we really have...no more stre for him his ahs got to work

Last night was ok, Clinton rogers the tv presenter was comparing. He was actually really rude. The food was ok, nothing specail but acdeptable. On our table was hubbies business blokes, very wealthy business men who started with nothing. Th evening was pleasant and the charity for St margrtes hopsic raised 5,000.00.

well its the annual largest summer ball this evening. I m not overly looking forward to it. I dont really enjoy them if i were honest. But its all for a good cause. Lots of money is rasied for charity and it keeps hubbie happy. I shall endevour to point out that he makes sure he enjoys himself and do what we want to do on sunday however. I dont mind satyinf a short while, the evening just tends to darg on and as im not a drinker , a glass of wine does me fine and its a bit uncomfortable watching everyone around you getting drunk and your sober. My eyes hurt today, think lack of sllep recently and some cream i put on them last night has nt agreed with me. so immediatley Im on edge and feel uncomfortable. I didnt see my friend again today either . By staurday after a heavy week i do actully feel deflated. I ve done well this week in, playinf tennis, shopping and entertaining little one to the full so by the time sat come s aound and my freind is only around on sats i feel pressured to visit her. I thinking that maybe i should see her in the week and meet her at the gym on a Tuesday. so by the time saturday comes i can just relax.

Hubbie woke up yesterday with an apology and was loving all day. He realised he upset me. I did write him a letter but didint give t to him ,how could he when he being so nice. So ive decided to talk to him as things happen. it needs to be the right moment for letters and besides i dont know whether im being over sensitve or not. So today was a lovely morning, did some choirs with little man then hbby came in, not in a foul mood but busy. In doing so he ran over little mans tent cause he could nt be bothered to move it out the way. I asked him why he did that and he said he busy. I felt scared and i was even shaking, so i told him i feel frightened living with im and his aggressiveness. Running over litle mans tent is not what you do ! , he said sorry and said he just wanted the day over with . I again said well its scarey and upsetting living with him. just as i put things in the letter. i know form experience that things usulally take a few days to sink in with hubbie so we ll see what happen but at least im able to express what im really feeling than bottling it up. I suppos yes i want him to be nice. I cant control who he is and the way he is and ill have to take each situation as it comes as to whether he s gone over the mark because of my sensitivity.
Last night was a triumph... i was nt anxious one little bit, not one though came across my mind other than my stomach telling me i was full and didnt need any more. it wa a lovely evening out and yesterday i had more triumphs. little man and i wet to the park, to the shop and to the lizard shop all across town , bit nervous about the lizard one but i did it. it was brill and its a nice feeling to be doing things with little one.
Its funny though as i discussed with friends about hubbie not being right in the head with his medication and joked out loud we nearly divorced last night, Her respose was, we do everynight!.
Well that just confused me even more as to what one should have to put up with or how marriage should be ! aaaaaaaH
next door , he is very strong minded and hot headed anmd she is lovely and laid back . both have good jobs and lovely kids. i can see its not all a bed of roses, as with evryhting life gets in the way. i supose one has to draw your own lind of accepatbility.

So I've done it put the last piece in the puzzle. My hubbies actions, unknowingly toward me pushed me into the dark last year. and last night i could feel myslef withdraw into the prison of depression again.
MY Counsellor has helped me free my mind so i can think and i started to reason and say im not going to let this happen again, i can see it and talk about it and reason with it. his comments are not going to push me back.
I never argue back when he s shoutng the odds, i usually withdrwal and my mind goes into over drive thinking about what he s said and then i ask for an apology. but its too late by then the nasty words have already come out of his mouth.
This morning he made me a cup of tea and said sorry and he will come ofo the tablets . He could se that he upset me. ast night was diffferent though In my mind i siad i had enough and phone my friend. he knew he pushed me too far.
Today i'm going to wrte him a letter explianing all that ive written here and today for me is a new dawn!!!!!!!!!!!Yippeeeeeeee

my hubbie does nt like his work and at this time of year he is very stressed. He comfort eats and his gout flairs up. Coupled with his medication , which makes him spaced out. hubbie becomes short tempered and has a short fuse. paranoid and angry. He of course takes this out on me. Last year was the same. Last year his period of being aggressive was alot longer, for about six months. last year by mid summer, i had enough. the aftermath of which left my self esteem so low i had thoughts of suicide and put weight on and was very depressedand i suffer from excess acid, due to stress and IBS and everyone around me was having a pop at me, pull yourself together they d say, hubby went on hol on his own twice cause i was so low and started saying i dont do anything which reinforcd my thoughts about myself.
NOW THIS YEAR IM NOT GOING TO LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN. AFTER ALL WHERE IS HE AFTER HE S TAKEN EVERY INCH OF ME , HE S NOT THERE TO PICK ME UP ONLY TO BE MORE FRUSTRATED AND DO HIS OWN THING!
SO THIS YEAR ITS HAPPENING AGAIN, I CAN SEE IT !!!, MOOD SWINGS , PARANOIA, AGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR TOWARD ME AND LITLE MAN, SPACED OUT , POOR MEMORY, SHOUTING, LOOKING RED AND ANXIOUS !. LAST NIGHT WAS IT ! I SAW EVERYTHING IN FORNT OF ME, THATS WHAT TRIGGERED MY DEPRESSION AND WITHDRAWL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND LAST NIGHT I SAID IT , I F HE HE DOESN T SORT HIMSELF OUT IM NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH ANYMORE !
WHAT A RELIEF, I CAN NOW SEE THE WOOD FOR THE TRESS, MY INITIAL DIMISE THAT SEEM TO BE HOLDING ME BACK, THE FINAL PIECE OF THE PUZZLE.

my sensitiveity seems to be getting the better of me form all directions really. hubbies is taking soem medication at the miute and is making him all spaced out. he getting frustrated and very forgetful, whereby he then proceeds to be angry and absuive toward me, I ve told him to calm down and stop being so up tight all the time and agressive but he does nt seem to be hearing me cause of what the tablets are doing. It s upsetting me very much. horrible remarks and swearing at meall the time is not nice. In fact this was what brought me really down last year and started my stress off then and then depression. it got so bad i phoned the doctor up and told him to stop giving him repaet prescriptions and to make him see him. Hubbis has gout so maybe the pain is so bad that he cant handle the pain and is unwittingly taking it out om me. So really now instead of retreating i ve got to talk this out this year. He S upsetting me again this morning like yesterday and i feel like crying, instead of keeping it in i ll tlak it out i suppose. The damming remarks, get lost, sod, off shut the fuck up, getthe fuck out lines he says over and over again are wearing me down. He is obviously got alot on his mind and it comes out as this but im not going to let the remarks get to me this time only to ask him to get himslef sorted out with the doctor and he should continue to eat the things he does to bring it on then i can only put up with so much.
It annoys me that he puts a brave face on things when he s other people and lets rip with horrible commets towards me. He starts saying that its not al his falut as we then start to argue about other rthings instead of talking decently. He's all for saying one should talk at the table with other things but then he cant do it himslef when hes in pain. THis brings me to the point of the fact that we could of employed a manager to take some stress away from him last month and he said no. so ive tried. Maybe i ought to write a letter to him , so he can see how he is. He does nt even have the patients towards little man when he s like this. i thank god he doent strike out but then soemtimes its as if i wish he would so i could say right thats it enoughs enough s . how long does one carry one putting up with someones pain... he s had to put up with mine ..... but then im getting better and will only dive deep agagin if i get verbaly abused allthe time and cant escape from it
just like my mum would unwittingly ssy things to me becuse she could nt cope with her stress and pain

Just realised that huubie want me to do the things that his mum use to do for him and im use to my dad did everything.

No sooner than i thought things were safe to go out the door then bammm!, back into oblivion! It was only an hour ago when I was emailing a friend saying how happy i was then that was it, sent back into being scred in an instant.! Hubby and i were asked out to a meal out, with next door, that was fine, but then to say this week, as we ve already got a ball to go to on saturday was like too much for me. I m preparing for the ball in my own mind and i suppose ive been caught totally off gurad by this sudden invite
. Well i think maybe the fact that i ve been preparing for the ball and looking forward to going is and indication that making me prepare for the event in plenty of time is a good thing. I know where it is , what im to wear etc, so in a sense im not really right after all. I do enjoy going out of and evening its just the lead up to it, so after being suddenly asked i immediatly hit out and made sarcastic remark to howard. Thinking about it now, although my comments were justified i should nt of said them. so now that leaves me feeling total dread about going out, mid week too, unprepared. So im thinking why am i so anxious !. Well its the same thing again isnt it, i had to put up with rude sarcastic comments and also mum would mention that i was an independant liitle person and obviously i would nt have liked any of the decisisons she would of had to have made for me, her being the adult thing. The whole situation just totally sent me into stress.
I feel like crying to be honest i feel so upset and yet yes i like to go out for a meal and next door are great people to get along with.Im scared about going and im scared of the sudden upset.In esscence im realsing that ive still a long way to go and apart from being asked of my opinion, which i will approach hubby about then i should just talk to myself and say its ok, you'll have a good time, there is nothing to worry about and have a good time. It's alot to have to deal with, the journey in the car, the people thing when im getting ther and of course the waiting and lead time up to it, basically everything. well sunday was a greaqt day and that was so unexpected and unknown and after talking to myself about the journey on the way i was fine. I m even finding myself trying to block out the fact that im going, maybe that would be a good thing and worry about it all at the time, it certainly be another way of managing . Managing has to be the answer, like preraing for the ball , so blocking out that im going would be the same thing too if i have issues about going. one day at a time thing. loads of people say that and i ve never really quite realised what that means until recently.
I m going to have to accept that i will always have issues and i just have to learn how to mange them like i am now. I do remebr though that i use to go out on impulse , as a teenager, when my confidence was at its highest i suppose. I do feel alot more confident than i have doen for years to behoenst and i should rawon that warm feeling too now.
Well now i ve calmed down things are nt that bad,i owe an apology to hubby but o will also explain why.
O h yes hubby and nearly had a full scale row this morning, but i manged to keep a lid on my own stress levels. He so stressed he doesnt realise how he tlaks to me and he talsk down and over me and doe snt listne to my opinion. When its come to this business its alwsys been like this between us , so instead of rising to the occasion, i went and cleaned the bathroom, and for sure hubby , after half hour came after me . i explained that i find wacthing him do the acounts and run the business embarrassing as he doesn t know what he s doing, i handed the reigns over to him last year beacuse of the arguments. He said well why dont i'd the accounts then. My answer was that im not going to put myseLf in a siutation where he justs shouts me down all the time when i m trying to say the way things are with the business and i don t want to work with him. I asked him to calm his stress levels down toward me and that i find it upsetiing all the time that he raises his voice to me the way he does.H e said i interupt him, i say he interupts me. but even then he started going off on one about things and shouting agagin about another subject, agagin i calmly just pointed out again, look at the way he s acting, i said, its not on, its not acceptable to me and even to himself. its as if he trys to make me rise to the situation, either that or he wants me to give him the answers and mother him.So therS it is, another discusion and small talk about him being OVER stressed and its upsetting. I suppose in a way i m having counselling and able to cope with my stress and see things for what they are, he isn t. I don t mind pointing out things to him and helping him just as im getting help but there s only so much i can do

As my stress levels come down , i m noticing my senses more.
Cheese is so bloody salty ! and sugar so sweet. Its really weird.