Well on saturdays my friend always meet up and im nervous too as i have nt really been out for two months, last week I got hubby to take me over and it was a rather serious conversation. Well were meeting up at a pub with he kids for lunch and im so anxious already. I know that i will enjoy seeing her. It not much of a journey for me and shes knows im a bit nervous about drivning at the moment. I m not sure what im scared of really, not so much the journey but about meeting her. Is it the confronation bit ? Is it the bully bit from when I was a kid, it feels a bit better and i feel relieved a bit when I think that. Which brings me onto the subject that whats going to happen when mum comes down, Im going to be a nervous wreck, its funny how suddenly was feeling great all week then when i aranged that with her ive gone down hill and my stomach has swollen up. Maybe i shouold address her hostile nature toward me and i find her remarks hurtful as I can't get ill every time i see her. Its also quite intresting to note that when i see my sisiter i m actually ok about things and we even stay up there house. i feel so ok. I could tn do that with mum. She doesn t mean to be nasty,she has her own issues and things come out wrong in her mouth aswell as it does for me. So thats the reason for my recent upset. Well im an adult now i should be able to say that the things she says upsets me in a round about way and how like her im sensitve. Another issue , im so bloody sensitive, i wish i was nt , im over sensitive big time. I wonder whether my sensitivity is heightened when im tired.my mind races with conversations i have had over a week ago that didint bother me then and they do now. its as if my mind is thinking in a defensive way when it feels threatened and brings up things that upset me. Maybe i have to learn to say at that moment that what they just said upset me at that moment, thast hard, its easily said whats wizzing around in my mind and like this writing down but to say it out loud. but I dont say things as I don t want to offend the other person or create and argument. Maybe as a child when mum was busy or unwell if i would talk to her she was a bit short with me , like i am with harvey when im ill. Its funny that my anxiety has totally diassappeared as i think about this. Julie is my friend and its ok to speak up now if someone upsets me. Its also true to say that my reationships with people are limited,small doses, like doing things. As far as taking the time to do things for longer its when the desire dies away and the excitement has gone that im just left with me , mid evening on a night out for example and livng with me has been very uncomfortable too. Living with fear and being scared in my head has been horrible it really has. its been .....................................

Well i dont have to feel that way anymore do i, there's nothing to be scared about hubby and harvey and juie are my friends and linda and if i'm hurt by things the people say or do im to tell them and if they hurt me then they are not very nice people or we just don't get on.
Well its seems that my main probem is talking really then isn t !!!! , that shard when all i ve done in the past is to take in and let if fester.