Its occured to me that while im tired i cant cope with things as much as i can when im not. I m not sure why, all the things i have in my head all come to the surface and plague me, spinninsg aorund. Which brings me to another point. That im writing so much and thinking so much too. Bloody loads of it. Everything that has been discussed over the week all spinning around and around. Well they say its better out that in, hence the writing. This mornings hubbie problem has reached a final word from an observer, have a back up plan ! and yes hubbie and i have always had a back up plan in the past so now instead of shooting the unfortunate one in this situtaion whom is working hard then the answer is to say well if you become ill then what do we do, hence we can carry on knowing things won t fall down around us. Asking for help does involve cash and more worries but like the counsellor says if you want to do all these things then one has to have help if it becomes too much or have something set in place when goes wrong. When im ill the house and the garden go to pot, i ask howards family for help and they say no. Asking for help has been hard as people have said no in the past and even now, mainly our family. I like hubbie am annoyed that his brother commented to a postman that all hubbie things about is money, but it is all hubbie talks about, just like all he talks about is his illnesses, as its all he knows and all that he was brought up with. Hubbie , his mum and bro all had cancer within the same few years, imagine how devastating that was on all of them! and what with bringing up a family of four and struggling, no wonder howard sought solist in work, as he had attention from the farm where he worked and was rewarded with money which made him feel good. God things that happen to you as a child is so profound. Stress however is so devastating, i ve seen so many of my freinds whom after a stressful period in there life have been affected by cancer after the storm has blown over its unbelievable. Its as if adrenalin ages\damages the body, weakening it stress, life ! !