mind blower

I've realsied that t cope with my issues i ve to keep my stress levels low. It feels great to be calm and hopefully this will have a knock on affect on my little one. Hubby is still looking for answer form me to sort things out, but i cant no longer afford to rise to his stress level.
Like last night i ve said my piece, he comes in all hot and firery and i can t afford to do that any more. Stress has made me ill loose my self esteem and being in touch with myself. It shas affected me physically that my stoach is permanently bloated and the stomach acid attacks my tonsils.
Its also interesting to know everyone that since i've been having counseelling i've lost 22lb.
Yipeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bit of a rocky start, tummy not too good, aint some crisps the previous evening and i felt decididly sick. had a relaxing morning, not rushing around and in the afternoon we had planed to go to a battle reinactment but as little one had a party we didint have enough time. so we went to the party. I was getting anxious in the car so i started talking myself into being calm and everything was going to be ok. when i got there the village hall was et on the edge of the valley and in the valley was the sports field where the kids party was being held. Pimms and ice cream was served for the parents and we all had a lovely time chatting and putting the worlds to rights. the sun was out with a cool breeze and there was nothing more one could ask for for a lovely sunday afternoon.
The evening carried through the same right up until hubby came in whilst i was in bed trying to raise my stress levels as to come up with an answer as to who was going to look after the house for the week whilst on holiday, shouting the odds and trying to get me angry. I did rasie my voice but i didnt get stressd, an indeed i told him so too. That as e wanted the house to be looked after then he should arrnge something. After all i organsied thehliday and would do the shopping and even the packing if he cant organise soemthing then thats poor show. this moring hes all smiles and but im going to ask for an apology for trying to upset me.

I read a piece in the sunday papers today, about couples who are divorced in marriage but still together. I think im on the fence as to say whether my own marriage is like this as there are issues etc that im not happy with. Its hard to maintain the level of togetherness you had in the bginnning during the lust stage unless of course your lucky. Life gets in the way and there becomes a point that all that you had togther or did together that attracted you to that person gets lost or taken for granted and not kept to. Blame bitterness or denial then takes over. Its bloody harde being married and now i ve realised that if i want my mariage to work then it s down to me to initate all that i want from it. To beging with anyway and also talk more. My trouble is that my goals have changed and i ve actually carried out my gaols and that was what binding us together. So to survive i can see thatsmae gaols will staed fast us together again and if we dont have goals then it wont . Sadly i do not fancy my husband, he did all the persuading adn chasing and his mannerisms i do find soemtimes horrifying and embarrasing and the way he teases peoples, which includes me and my son , so much so that it contnually upsets us. so there it is. cards have been dealt on the table.
People love him, he s a people person, says what hey want to hear and is a yes man but at home, he is lazy , he doesn t talk and wants me to be his mum.
I have noticed that since i ve become better in myself he is getting better and our roles as each otheres parents to each other will once agagin become friends ..
I will do my best, that is all one can do................wish me luck

I Felt fine this morning, would have like to have seen julie,but im still anxious about going over to see her, and as sson as the conversation satrted about visiting her i was feeling anxious, i asked her if she coming out to play but she said she going out with morg this morning and afternoon. I explined that my confidence is still low, ive come along way and i just needed more time before i drove all the way to see her. I do still have all the anxieties and i must give myself a pat on the back for doing well yesterday, my throat does nt feel very good and makes me feel low so i cant expect too much of myself when i m in a bit of pain, as m stres levels are off the starting block so litle things and steps while im ill hey. Trouble is when your feeling great julie is ill or soemthing else happens and you ll do that, its hard to syncronise things soemtimes. When you feel like crap you cant often always jump and have to give yourself that space. its hard work, well at least julie is understanding.
Ltlle man and i ent to the garden centre, again i felt like running, i tried to keep a lid on it, bnut my thoughts were running away with me and not being able to focus on calming my inner self down.
so i suppose realy reinforcing and focusng on being calm in the firstinstants and then focus on calming down my inner self down and reasoning with it that its not the same any more and everythings fine now and nothing to fear or be afraid of and talking to myself.
i must practise this more often now , now that evrythings out and getting my inner self use to hearing my voice and talking it through things and reassuring it.
I am doing so well in many other areas, i'm more positive,, in the home and my attitude has slowed down,i odnt ghet so het up anymore and just go with the flow of things within my home now.
I m back on track, after a hiccu, and basically summersisng and managment now.
I also feel happy about that now and of course that i appear to be writing and listneing to my writing as i write, which is a new thing for me too. Its as if there was part of me not writing and it was nt real, it was jumbled and mumbled and all over the place .Its as if someone has turned up the volume and opened the door to my mind and i feel im acknowledging my own thoughts now rather than looking for visual conformation or signals from others about how i feel or how things should be, that feel good and warm inside too. I feel really happy about that too now.

Its been hot, I feel weird today,i can't make it,out,shaky and panicky when i went to the petrol garage.
Im going to have to talk to my councellor tomorrow about whats been upsetting me that needs addressing and putting to bed and i'm not looking forward to it.I also feel that as im a bit low at the moment my head\thoughts feel are low too and my mind is racing too
I don t know whether i feel hot or cold , the suns not out but i suppose with being unwell i ll feel it more

A good day apart from my tonsilitus, they seem to be geting better this evening though which is good.
I m also wondering whether my stomach problems on friday and saturday were down to the fact that hubby went out
I m a bit perplexed by this, in fact angry even, aswhen my stomach blows up its painful and preventing me form doing normal things as i would do normally.
I felt ok about him going out, yes he can do as he wants, but how i felt about it wasnt like my normal anxiety, i felt happy that he was going outfor the evEning with his mates, i was nt worried at all about anything so what it could be i don't know.
There seems to be a transition of anxiety is no longer felt in my head but only in excess acid being produced in the same way that when i m stressed.
I am suffering form excess acid as a rule, so may be in the slightest thought or negativity can make it like this is rather over the top.
Well i ve got my little ones sports day on friday. Imnot worried about it one little bit only that i be uncomfortable if my tummy plays me up,,,,,,, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............blast and bugger it,im getting annoyed now.
There s always a feeling of intrepidation when you do anything different in life is nt there, I hope that this isnt it for me , bloody doom and gloom and stomach problems for the rest of my life.... i'm itching grab the world with all I have
Well hubbies having a fire and its bloody massive to the point of its bloody dangerous i it sets fire to the hedge and tree i'll laugh at him
and he desrves all he gets he really does.

all be its beside my tonsils swelling up, they hurt so bad too , red raw literally, hurts to talk too. my tummy is getting better as i take the medication too.
it appears that i seem to be a high producer of acid in my tummy and the lsightest upest is currently making it loads worse. I ll take my medication and talk to the doctor later on in the week about it. Its been a bir of a nothing day really but hey days like this ae ok too. Im itching to get out on the bike and do loads of things but caus eof my ummy and tonsils i m to tkae it easy.
Normally i would be totally down in the dumps big time when im pysically unwell, angry, moody, not wanting to do things, but now , i just hurt a bit and go with it really,

I've had aweful problems with my tummy yesterday and today, ulcer must be back and my tonsil has swelled up too and is red raw with the acid burning it. It hurts like hell, twice as bad as a sore throat i can hardly talk. I ve been drinking salty water to heal it and i've started taking my medication again. I must have another ulcer with the stress i put my self through last week, so i'm going to go with that for this month and take my medication for another month to cover me for this period as this will give me more time to do more things if im stressed when doing it and see what happens then cause I cant go on like this anymore. i look like i'm pregnant,it feels worse than being pregnant as my skin feels stretched and my insides feel inflamed. so then at least i ve gievn the medication time to heal and at the minute im not particularly stressed about anything really. Its very uncomfortable,sitting and lying down is not that great either. and lst weekim actualy quite happy nowadays, i'm back cycling, small rides first and looking forward to holiday in july etc etc. i'd be a bit annoyed if i had this whilst on hol casue ive been doing so well otherwise and i ve no real worries in my mind other than being a bit angry with mum over not letting us know about spreading dads ashes without my sister or I. I miss my dad so much, and now and again i shed a tear or two like most people when i think of him. I miss having a laugh and being close with hubby so im going to start doing that again. arpart from the usual shit of work stress were getting on fine in the home and are moree relaxed. If my tummy problems were down to him going to a wedding this evening id be really annoyed with myself as i would be annoyed about not being able to go to the ball, coming up soon, as the pain of this would nt let me go anyway as i want to go out for an evening. I do get sltighty anxious about thinking about hubby getting annoyed with my cause i am ill when all i need is a cuddle really, as i said yesterday i ll ask him and talk to him. It s hard for him having to live with someone with ailments and not doing as much as you want to do for sure and Thoughts do cross my mind as i think about the past few years of how he reacts, like in the hospital, maes me worse as it reminds me f mum being uncaring ,he was also just uncaring which made me worse and this must nt continue really. I am better off without him if it continues but we've lots of talking to do first before one gives up, like asking him to be more supportive and nicer and not make me feel bad about being ill. and if he wants us to be together then just being nice when im n pain or feel uncomfortable is not too much to ask. I don t think he reaslises how he acts and how it affects me , so its big journey for both of us as well as myslef this year.oh well i dont think there is anything more in my mind that s in there from my childhood, maybe stuff from my adulthood that im ashamed of, apart from that, i've covered everything really.

Im tired today and my stomach is blown up like a good un too. I m a little worrried about having to go to harveys celebration day next week and i know it will be fine. I m worried about how hubbies will react if im not on form , just want him to be nice, his patience is thin , i ll ask him to be nice then. Im annoyed to that he treats me with comtempt at work , he talks to me like shit really and would nt to anyone else if they talked to him on the phone. He's seeing what he can get away with aswell really. i tell him later that his behaviour toward me is upsetting and unacceptabel and im only do my job. More recently ive slacked off helping out and doing his jo for himand just concentrating on my and its workd well, our paths don t cross then and i ll tell him so later. he gets so sressed with work he takes it out on me. Oh well usual up and down.

Having a good day, taking things easy but not too relaxed, stepping down a gear I suppose, there slots ahead i can see in work related stuff and little man things to do at school as last week was a rather full week which so im to take each day as it comes not p,an too much or im running before im walking basically and whilst im still getting use to the new me. I m going for a cycle today and im managing my thoughts more and outwardly talking to myself to calm myself down. My stomach problems are easing and too be honest the physical stuff cant be much good for my body either so my little tummy needs a rest too. Weve got little ones party all weekend and hubby out sat night and i feel like i just want to walk aorund own to be honest at the weekend, on my own, no pressure if i dont buy anything just to see wahts about. My niggling thought at the mommment is my friend linda. She does nt bother with me as she too busy with her man at the weekends and she works full time, we use to have a great time together when we both didint work, lots of swimming and coffees and going to the gym, im gently getting back into that now and a visit to the gym once a week maybe just the thing i need . i use to go thre four times a wekk for 2 hours int the mornings then a swim and then in the evening for classes, i felt so physically great but with little one and work i cant do that anymore. I suppose i have to work and feel satified when i do work so these part time hours when little mans is at school are just fine really. maybe one day off in the week would be good however to unwind, ill see what i can work out, after all it is tiring looking after the world ......

Mum would dis all our boy friends and friends, she was really rude to my sisters boyfreinds it was awful to see and hear. she would never out rightly say anything nasty, its was alwys snubbing remarks, Like helens hubby is allergic to birds and she said " huh, yeah right, as if, i ve never heard of that one before , whats he talking about " And when she stayed and mavis offered her he hand of friendship as dad had just died, she snubbed mavis to us," huh i dont like her, ive got he number, bloody cockneys I dont like em, alawys interfering"
She acted terribly toward's helen first husband she really did, at any opportunity to slag him off, if his business wasn t right or he went out too much and the fact that he passed on his genetic illness to his kids, my siss , as she cant walk, was aweful. They would be shouting at me explaining that he should be sterilisd! it could nt have been nice.
My sis ters hubby was nt the most perfect person in th eworld, he drank, he like footy, etc etc at it fulled the fire for the really and when she married into a family of gypsis that was it, out of the pan into the fire then for them.
so much to remember

there coming quick and fast now, again i use to get criticsed for being tired, i m tired from toadys evemts and the fact that an owl kept me awake al night. I ve never been able to cope with anything when i get tired and agagin i was nt allowed to be tired, "WHATS THE MATTER WITH ME ! " pull yourslef togather she d constantly. Was nt allowed to say anything. when i left this blog this morning i had a good cry at the shop and a friend stopped me and gave me a hug. My opinion was nt allowed or acknowledged either. Because im recognising so many things that upset me its making me wonder whether all this is me. My tummy swelled as usual and then went away and all but disappeared when i cried for myself this morning and realising things. Im wondering also whether its just me. But i talked to mavis at lunch time and she said at at last i ve realsied it s not me but mum. Mavis showed the hand of friendship when mum came to live with us only for mum to slag her of behind her back. so its not me and because i don t like the things she said to me im my fathers daughter too and not my mum. I d hate to be like my mum and im me too , indvidual, funny, happy go lucky, intelligent and put my hand to anything i do. im not scraed of life , it also strikes me how she treats howard and my sisters husband with comptempt and rudeness, its awefull to watch and hear her , and that how she was with me,she is so not a nice
person, she has no friends and wont have any friends and when her father dies i m not going to stick around listening to her being bitter. if she wants me im there but im ot going to put up with her running me down ! like she use to time and time again

Well yesterday started off as a good day then mavis phoned and i said we d all ought to go out for lunch, well that was it then, i ve woken up with my tummy stretched full from acid and gas, i don t feel as bad as i did last week when i went for a mole check so maybe things are improving. I worked out that i want to go but don t feel like it due to the worry and anxious feelings but i do want to go. So the child in me says no no no and the adult part of me says yes yes. Well thats how the counsellor has let me see how it works. Its seems to be fairly logical and im thinking now that my adult side will ans should reassure my child and say there s nothing wrong, and let the child speak even, mother s not here to frown or say soemtheing dirogatory to you and make you feel not good about having a good time or going out. Its ok to go and enjoy yourself lisa, i feel like crying now, and while your waiting for food, its ok to be excited and butterflies and tingly in anticipation of nice things, mothers not going to be there putting me down, laughing at me, or making nasty comments to who ever serving her as we satnd in our queues. I realsie her own anxieties but she paqssed them on to me for god sakes. its ok lisa to want something that makes you happy or do soemthing to make you happy and waiting for soemthing is part fo life and the journey to do things and want things in life is the best part too. my stomach is actually going down now. maybe i should talk to myself too when i feel like this. I m so upset at al the cooments she d make, for anyont or anything that we would do she would make horible comments towards me. i don t care what i think of her, her comments were damming and upsetting!!! Its as if she passing her stress onto me or saying things out loud or her upset feelings are anger. I cant fathom why she would joule me when i was waiting for someone at home though, sense of humour she d say, wit is the lowest form i d say and it s proved right by me being upset. Its as if evry corner i turned was never good enough, no praise to my face, dbe praised on school open evening but not any other time, just one sworede twisted comments after another. Its as if she didnt like me, more she didn t like herself. hats another thing my opinion on anything was never valid, maybe thats why i hyper ventilate when i talk to people, she would alwsay put my opinion down !! , its not that , its not this thats not the way it is, what ever your reading is not right.Well how else are we all suppose to learn !!!!, What the point of reading if its not true, I should nt belive evrything i read she d say, fair enough, but not all th bloody time. Wher do i get that from she d say !!, never and acknowlegement never a well done, never a praise , all being put down. COWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THis morning I've woke up feeling good about myself today, feel all tinglely even, there's no worries, events or trips to go to this week and the weekend was good,nothing to get me worrying, my weight is steadily going down which im happy about too. Still got acid in my tummy but generally my tummy problems are not as bad as they have been. Got loads of events for little man coming up too in june but they re are the same every year and i knw what to expect. Just had another heated discusiion with hubby about work. Since he's taken over the accounts nobody gets paid unitl they scream for it or send us a letter. I hate this situation as last year we made a loss on pricing of six contracts being wrong and we were able to ride it cause we had a go ongoing rapor with our suppliers and up to date with there payments. If that were to happen again then we won't be able to carry on as we re already on stop with our account with the suppliers. Well i've stated my views and written them here on my blog, i cant do no more than that, we do have a sound business , a few ups and downs but hubby does need reminding sometimes and pulling into line. The clients are the worse, the biggets cleints like the likes of ROK and Persimmon Homes are the worse, nine months to pay !!!! no reason for none payment either. I actually put there prices up as they are bad payers as it is. The best payers like Bloor homes get our cheapest rates and when they recently asked for a quote review i could nt give it to them cause they arleady have our cheapest rates. Shame really cause we would have wnated to seem willing to be able to keep them on as a client. But we can t do it for nothing. Well i gotta go, dog needs a walk and i ve got work to do , let the goose out feed the plants in the greenhouse, check the guinea pig, and that before i start work in the office.

It apparently looks nice, god knows really, i dont recognise myself actually. It sreally weird how when i m fairly happy my hair goes short. Bit like im not hiding behind it anymore. Its funny though when i went burnette my hubby said that blondes only want attention, i didnt like that commet and i ve nerver outwardly sought attention but now i ve thought about it well yes i do i like fun and thats me!!. My reason for going brunette was that i didnt want to be mutton dressed as lamb. Well sod em , i don tcare what i look like, as long as im happy and being happy gets me through life. Its a lovely golden blonde and cut like posh spices. Im a bit tired mentally this wekend, ive done so much, one so much wrorying and my tummy is doing over time im sure, but i ve enjoyed what i ve done, once i get over the bits that make me anxious. I was panicky on friday, i ts the end of the week i feel tired form work and i m not sure what to do, i feel bad for doing nothing, and the house needs cleaning, oh god , im going round in circles again, well maybe i should treat friday as my day off and do something i enjoy. i m in serious danger of over doing it again, i have to pace myself, maybe set days for luxury, day for shopping, days for work, god im even organising my life, an that dont seem right either. one day at a time then. Its weird cause i felt wierd yesterday, cant work this food\anxiety\heat thing out. but im getting ther, realsing that i m not going to die if i dont eat but just eat regulary and snack on fruit or nuts. i was a bit hypoglcemic last night, but id did nt hve a very good breakfast and ic caught me up at the end of the day so i ll make sure i eat breakfast as normal in future. I suppose if im carry extra weight and eating normally which need smore energy then iv e gotta be careful not to over do it. Its funny now that i ve just looked at the clock and it s five oclock soon and getting anxious that i should be thinking about tea. Well its not that i m hungry cause i ve just had a cup of tea and some nuts, im just recognising im anxious.
since i ve been off he anti depressants ive lost 20lb , they do give you the munchies and you dont feel full when you eat. My eyes fell tired today i think the mascara i ve got on is not good for me. Its a werd day as it s humid too. Well this morning hubby ad i had to go get a pressey for a party little ones going too. These parties he goes to are so over the top, sunday during june is his parties ! so not good. SunDay should be family day i feel. its three weeks until he breaks up from school and my aim is to be able to take him a few places. He got two days a week in holiday club while i work, as nine weeks off school is just too long really and i won t be able to concentrate have him around while i work as i worry about what he does . I ve also just been on the treadmill this afternoon, very pleased with myself, again i didnt over do it and as as the weight is coming off im stronger than i realsie and i could last longer considering i have nt been on it for two months, I m itching to gat back out on the bike again. Maybe one day this week ill go around the block and the a bit more each time. Although my confidence is going up my anxieties are still there, today whilst waiting to get served i went instantly into panick mode, i asked howard to talk to me about anything, crap or amke me laugh to keep my mind off, agagin i recognise that waiting is a big issue and its related to my mum makingme feel like crap when i was waisting for my friends or boyfriends when i was younger, she was gets and jib me and laugh at me , why did she do those things, whne my little man get s tired or angry i am short with him but i never ever take the pee out of him, her comments would make me feel so small, crap, ugly and that was allowed to play or go out as i got older, F............... HATE HER!!!!!, no no, you may say, well i didnt deserve her crap put on me cause she felt insecure, look how its left me, yes i can reason wih why she does it, cause she hasnt the words but hell !!!!!!!im angry now, really angry, her crap ,no matter how down to earth i am has messed my head up so much.
well i m not going to let it get to me no more!!!, im going to live life to the full , im going to have fun, im going to be happy and be happy being happy, im going to be me and deserve nice things cause i work bloody hard and i ahould have nice things and do nice things and be happy having and doing. and happy having freinds and going places and having a good job and nice cars and holidays and.................
i will no longer have to put up with her comments, only my own thoughts matter to me,
Its strange as i m coming out with this thati ve recognise my general axieties again. Always moaning at me, what s up, she d say.
She may mean well, but she too hard too judgmental too, peple are who they are and nothing else. can t change shit cant you so why change people
Its funny she even came out with the comment that im forty and i should stop being xo anxious....
Ok, ok your worried for me but judgemental again... i m and adult am capable of living my own life now thnkyou very much and very well ive done it too.She does nt like hubby... why... what has he done to her ... nothing... sweet f a apart from work hard and deserve all that goes with it.
Jealous ? maybe ? that she ill and i wasnt ?
maybe

Yesterday was really good and really bad, I was able to see where my anxieties came from but obviously the physical symtoms got me down a bit. I took enough mediaction to ease all the symtoms to be able to function enough not to stop me in my track that it would normally do. Im also pleased that i can reason and think things through in my own head now. Im happy today as i coloure my hair again last night and it looks lovely. I so regrte colouring my hair dark brown\red. To go from a blonde to a red is brill but to go back agagin, it s a night mare and you ahve to wait for it to gow out or dull it down. So two weeks ago i stripped the colour out of it and last night after t all calmed down i put a toner on top. nice gloden blonde now. The hair dresser is coming around this evenng, ihe a properly trained up hairdresser and worked all over the place, looks a bit of a character, he has tattooes all over him and a bit rough looking but he s good at his job and best hairdresser i ve ever had. I nervous about him coming nbut not way half as nervous as going to the hairdressers. Hubby will be here anyway. Hair is a real big issue with little one,I m the only one who cuts it, he won tlet anyone else touch it and even that took afew scream and bribes for a few years. Im not sure whether i was too rough on him with a comb or hairbrush, but he is very sensitive to having his hair touched just like me. Maybe i should have a proper discusion about it soon now he's older and evn just to go with daddy to the barbers would be good and sit and watch. i usually like to sit and watch things and get use to thme rather than being pushed into things. i hate being sensitive i also now dont like the fact that i feel epoples pain so easily too. like my mate said, listen, contribute and blank out,i do have enough of my own problems. I feel great that im getting better and to managed a coffee up town yesterdy was amazing for
me. I've done alot this week so ive said to hubby i just want to relax and chill round the house this weekend, little one has a party on Sunday , he normally likes lying around on sats and that sunady taken care of for him. Well i ve gotta go take my dog for his mornng walk now, its a pyrenees mountain dog and he s is beautiful, though at the momment he stinks cause hes been rolling in foxes poo........!!!!!

Well im proud today that i ve manged to go into town with my friend, i went to a mole clinic too. The lead up to the visit was rather stressful though, My blood was boling , heart pounfing, stomach blown up to the size of a house i was like this as soon as i was awake. I was then getting upset because and annoyed with mysel as to why I could nt reason with why I was feeling like it. So i refered to the comment that my counsellor said, the child within, i strate to recognise the child and what is the child feeling. Infact in my mind I imagined giving my disstresses child a hug and it felt so warm and nice, it was so weird but absolutely lovely. So i started to think about waht is the child scared of, what s so bad about the journey. Well I remember that once as a child I was travelling to school for and interview with the head mistress, i had to move schools , or schools i should really say that i wanted to move schools, as i was too good for the one i was at. and i was naturally nervous and mum started going off at me, why am do i want to go,, whats the point and why etc and as i was nervous i was quiet and she then started on at me about being quiet and what on earth was the matter with me. She was very insensitive. Even as i write this i remember being car sick and it was always too much bother and inconvience to mum to be ill. The cigarette smoke in the car didnt help. So when i knew this i had a cry and asked hubby for a cuddle. So the journey to the clinc this morning was bad but my symtms were far better than they were as i dealt with and acknowledged the child within. The mole test was brilliant actually and so much so that i did some shopping after and had a coffee.I was very distressed whilst waiting for the coffee, I laughed it off later with my secretary about my nervous ticks and called my self a flid whilst i was waiting but its something i would like to pin point where it come from so i can deal with it and comfrot myslef from its roots. I feel really tired now but im happy.
and im having my hair cut tomorrow !
ttfn

I m finding actually incredible how i ve been actaully coping with all that i have for all these years. In fact im rather surprised, thinking about how my head has been doing overtime so much that i m amazed and in awe of myself. Im happy and upset as i say this, and i'm actually overwhelmed by myself. The baggage that ive carried around with my has been such a heavy weight and it feels like a relief that i ve found out why triggers my anxieties. Ive yet to get my brain use to thinkingn that everything is ok and im concious of that too. My head is ok and yet because my stomach bloats up i know that its still trailing behind and needs time to adjust. Im shaking with happyness as i say this and also a slight fear now. I m also starting to notice things before that i didnt and appreciate things too. Its like being on a permanent holiday in my house, just like my friends have told me time and time again. Its so weird how last week , when i arranged with mother that she wa coming down, that instantly that day i was exhausted and all the way throught the weekend and it peaked yesterday morning, but once i realised that was why i was so tired and felt bad was cause of her coming down. Nothing to do with anything else. It also stricks me why people say one day at a time. now i beginning to understand why. They have ther own issues and they block it off until the moment and deal with there issues there and then, Yesterday was rather hot in the office and it was thirty degrees in there so i decide to not work for the remanider of the day. I m also taking more of an interest with little one as he talks about his anxieties and give him advice and i told him that yes he may have been tired and didnt want do things at school and he siad he was crying when they went to see a play and i said to him that he s to be brave and hold it in and we are to talk about it later that day. I will also ppoint out to him later that because he wont get to sleep early it makes you tired and grotchy and not wnat to do anything aand every thing seems harder that it normally does. Well i m happy at last to be seeing things and talking him through with him. I do worry that my depression and anxieties may have affected him but if i reinforce the fact thats he s to talk aout things then hopefully this will carry him through. Well my stomach is swelled up now, in the back of my mind i ve got tomorrow to deal with. Going up town and visiting the mole clinc whilst its in town, so really that is something to worry about. The other thing that i must end this note on is that since i ve come off my anti depressants i ve lost 20 lb without even dieting. I no longerhave the munchies and since my councellor related my feeing habits to the four hour rule i was able to connect my anxiety to that. I recognise now too that i eat more when i m stressd, which i ve never noticed before and also when pmt is ther. i m seeing so much more and im happy, i no longer feel angry either thats good too. Not angry at any one. I can see hubby as doing all that he can fr me as yesterday he was very supportive and he may have his faults but thats him and anything else we can talk about. and im able to talk more effectively now too which is weird ....its like someone switched the light on

My mum came to visit,!!!!!!! i was absolutely knackered with anxiety this morning, but i actually manage really well this morning. I was anxious about seeing them esp if she was going to make horrible comments like she does and snide remarks. But usually when she comes to see me she is always on good form and happy, so i was nt as worried if i was to go to se her. It was nice to see her and gramps and mum said they ve been worried for me and that was nice to here too. I was really anxious while they were here and i think that was down to the waiting thing. I ve always known that they obviously worry for me, as i do for my little one but i suppose mums way with words have never gone down well and she has always been far better than she has since her and grandad have met back up after falling out for over fifteen years. I ve decided not to teel her about my mind journey, i did actually mention it during the initial enquiing time that things have affected me in the past and i working on it and that was that. End of the day i realise my mums problems of both past and now and nothing will change that so there no point worrying over what im to tell her either and just deal with each situation day by day. Howard was obviously trying his best to be good and say things to make them uagh but its hard for him whne mum blames him for me being anxious and he trys his best.
Last night hubby and ispoke about his attitude toward his sis and law and he took most of it on board, and that we must get on as it is actually nice when we are all togther and put he past behind. the lovely evening was runied however when the dog chased the goose into the river and we could nt get it out. and the goose had to stay in there all night
and as expected the fox was in the area, siffening around making a huge noise and .........woke up knackered...............
Little man will be tired tonight so early night for all really. !!!!!!!!!! very very tired but happy....................

My hubby has a few issues, on recently realise by myself, but obviously ungeknown to him, there are several issues he has, ike most of us, its never simple is it. Firstly being a bright senstivtve child, third inline, obviously parental attention was very limited. he was therefore the text book rouge. Atention seeking, and even i do belive one of the first joy riders, if you would say so, being over twenty five years ago. He of course saw these things like this as a game. He obvioulsy upset his parents and they naturally rose to the occasion. rasing voices, shouting and getting stressy, he got there attention alright then and now I have realsied that as is the past i rise to his stress i don t no more and am only complexed by his current issue. These acts of attention be it negative or positve is also provoked form people who stand by and watch him aggressively race around, being comical and has had more hobbies than mr hobbie and his fair share of boys toys. Its rather odd also to see people reactions, of which i ve never made out by reading there faces thats he s acting like a child. He pushes me too and trys to make me rise to t all which i admittedly do. However the problem is that i ve now started to see these things i dont really like what i see and even with his horrible comments, what i hear. I suppose at the ned of the day i wil discuss with him over the course of time all his issues , for him to tke on board and hope really, that whilst i still do love him, his little quirks do not become out of hand and he doent react against them as i try and make him see. All these thoughts aout my hubby has come about when we visted my sis in law, they have known each other for over seventeen years now and on every occasion he still feels the need to impress her with how he knows and his, spouting off his power and achievements, i first put it down to male chavanism, as he does have a slight tendancy toward that side of things but when i thought about it , its through insecurity and his need for sis in law to like him. Im not sure why he feels the need to continuoulsy like him though and he does actually come out with the comment that she doesn t like him and never has. My sis inlaw, is very secure,does have her own little issues of control etc but generally she has stable background etc aprt form unpset bu builders, which on the whole is upsteeing, unlike her hubby and my hubby, brothers as they use to be beaten by there parents. her thinking is as it should and she has matured well. And i keep asking why is there conflict all the time between them, well she may not respond to his talking as howard wants hence his persistance. She has said to me loads of time that she can see how hard howard works and done well for ourselves but howard dismissed this when i said it, like i not being able to realise or recognoising that sis in law is nice and ok to him . trouble is i cant be his agony aunt hwen i ve my own to deal with really, well not at the moment maybe. My latest worry is that one of the moles on my face itches and im worried it may be something sinister, i also realise to that people whom seem confident in my presence also talk and do things at a slower pace and not rushing, thats so cool i think and i glad and happy that i can see this and am becoming self preserved myslef and not full of alsorts going aorund in my head at a hundred miles an hour. sometimes i do feel unhappy with howard and wish for soemthing better, buts what is better ? I am working on the fact that when we go on holiday we ahve great fun when he s out of work mode and its just us and work does get in the way of us and i only said to him today , id wish he d put the amount of energy into being with us rather than aslepp or really tired as he does with work. I suppose i mustn t complain, and maybe as we are talking more then he will see that he needs to just step down a gear, just a little, not too much , after all thats him, and save a bit of energy for his family and indeed for his own self and his health. he does look so so tired all the time. So with this in mind i ve booked us another break away, ST Ives, would have liked looe, but st Ives it is and cornwall is cornwall !!!! yippeeee!
I do love him but i hope that, what pulled us together, our insecurities, as we heal them, it won t pull us apart.

Yesterday was first off a very relaxing day, then hubby had to go and change all the sprinklers around at the site, well when it's hot and they want turf then obviously we have to make sure it doesn t die. Then Hubbies bro phoned up , that was t then , panick mode, i was a bit fretful first off, probably because i was tired and then im tired to sort out in my head why i was like it, my usual scared of humans thing and the verbal abuse stuff all kcicked in. I then just relaxed for the remanider of the dy, at it was baking hot, too hot to do anything in th heat of the day, then cooked tea, showered and got ready to go. I was still nervous on the way but not overly nervous. They'd invited us over and wanted to see us so it should be a nice gathering. Interestingly though my stomach swelled up again, it was totally incredable. it was a nice evening even though i was tired and when i got in the car my stomach had dissappeared totally. That s so weird, i was trying to keep calm and if anything i thought i was ok about things but maybe not in my mind. I was rather annoyed at Howard interuppting me as usual and for some reason he feels the need to measure up to her, in fact he does this all the time when we are there. Its really weird to be honest, its as if he feels that he has to prove himself to her. I will think about maybe why, something to do wit the past as sister in law fell out with hubbies mum hence his bro and his mum didint speak for 17 years or soemthing ese. He says that he always felt that she didint like him. If anything as things are relaxed now alo of hubbies insecurites are coming out too form what i can see. Hubbies sister in law s very good at articulating her point were as hubbie and i arent, i do on paper at the minute though however. I was very shocked to see hubbie bor had put on so much weight, indeed they have ben very stressed over waht happened after xmas, again i put it down to he having alot of work as well as having to build the extension, and like hubbie , bro can' t sit down for a minute either and relax. Well things were said out of turn by everyone at the time and now hopefully we ve come through and out on the other side.

My husband has just told me that someone was reading my profile on Friends reunited and mocked what i'd been through. Well my message to those people is that as im happy for as youve led a full and trouble free life, my experiences have in the end made me a better person and that really if one mocks another misfortunes then what sort of person are they.
Also i would like to add whilst im still online, i get so frustrated at being asked out all he time, coffee, shopping etc i feel overwhelmed even , thats the answer overwhelmed by people asking me, maybe cause i ve taken on board so much as people not being nice i don t know how to handle it when they want little old me tagging along.
Wooww that was another light bulb momment.
Also i must also add that im getting bogged down with the amount of things that i have issues with, there are so many issues im actually feeling tired aand really upset with dealing with it.
I feel i cant move on and deal with it unless im here writing it on paper even now. There so much of it. I have to sort these issues out now yes for sure and think about what im feeling i suppose, but its very tiring you know. Maybe in time as i realise each moment of panick that i have the panick situations will go away as i m able to put logical thinking properly t it and get use to it. maybe i shoud try and think it rather than write it too. in the future anyway.
Its almost rather intriugung to know that its like learning to ride a bike for the first time. the first time its really hard and tough physically well it seems to be the same thing for your brain too.
Well i m must switch it off now and give it a rest, just like you d lie down or rest your body.
have a nice weekend everyone

Yesterday, woww, what a packed day in deed,full,panicky morning, wrote things down that I was feeling, then lunch, garden centre,evening meal, BIG Brother. I want to do so much today but im beat, my mind is racing as im beat just like yesterday as went to shop, a moment of insecurity went through me on the way am i really up for this or am i done, well sure enough i was done, hence after ten mins later i was completely jittery. So...i starting recognise that maye i do way to much and expect too much of myslef, but hey i want to live life to he full , but my mind and possibilty my body is saying slow down, littel steps, one thing at a time. It actually strikes me that people whom seem relaxed with things dont go rushing around , they do there days work, maybe drag them selves to the gym and not worry about having to do this that and the other and attempt to do it all in one day either. If it don t get done it don t get done. So today im knackered and a day at home pottering around seems very feasible. I have to stop and listen and think about things more.just like i said int he counselling. When i do get tired things that should nt annoy me spin around in my head. I also really upset to hear that my best mate will eventually be moving to australia, I suppose i always had it in the back of my mind as she would talk about her home land , whether she would go back really. as she talks about home alot. Its not definate that she ll being going next year but its and inevitable plan that she and her hubby have. Im really really upset, i even think why waste my time on friendships that will end, i suppose that even thinking like my mum and chuck away waht doesn t work but i should make the most of her friendship whilst she is here. I do still think though that people who come around for stuff is no good as they come around for things rather than to see me, so it its slightly different. Anyway every body is up now,i feel totaly knackered and i think i ll go back to bed.

Well on saturdays my friend always meet up and im nervous too as i have nt really been out for two months, last week I got hubby to take me over and it was a rather serious conversation. Well were meeting up at a pub with he kids for lunch and im so anxious already. I know that i will enjoy seeing her. It not much of a journey for me and shes knows im a bit nervous about drivning at the moment. I m not sure what im scared of really, not so much the journey but about meeting her. Is it the confronation bit ? Is it the bully bit from when I was a kid, it feels a bit better and i feel relieved a bit when I think that. Which brings me onto the subject that whats going to happen when mum comes down, Im going to be a nervous wreck, its funny how suddenly was feeling great all week then when i aranged that with her ive gone down hill and my stomach has swollen up. Maybe i shouold address her hostile nature toward me and i find her remarks hurtful as I can't get ill every time i see her. Its also quite intresting to note that when i see my sisiter i m actually ok about things and we even stay up there house. i feel so ok. I could tn do that with mum. She doesn t mean to be nasty,she has her own issues and things come out wrong in her mouth aswell as it does for me. So thats the reason for my recent upset. Well im an adult now i should be able to say that the things she says upsets me in a round about way and how like her im sensitve. Another issue , im so bloody sensitive, i wish i was nt , im over sensitive big time. I wonder whether my sensitivity is heightened when im tired.my mind races with conversations i have had over a week ago that didint bother me then and they do now. its as if my mind is thinking in a defensive way when it feels threatened and brings up things that upse