mind blower

My little one has a problem where he cant connect his thoughts with what he wants to say into words. He has the knowledge and words in his mind but unable to retrive it. It really hard getting things out of him when he has a problem too and i spend alot of time talking to him because of this to get to the bottom of things. Well i wonder whether i have that too and as a child thats why i could nt or feel i could talk to any one about anything as a child. when things are difficult and mum and dad havent the time to tlk i just ditn t talk. It would explian hell of alot of things. why i was in my own little world for instance. I will email my counsellor and ask her what she thinks. Alot of ahwt i ve been thorugh is nt major stuff but has snowballed into major by it being kept in all these years.

Apart from my stomach blowing up like a balloon, went to docs to ease eymtoms, i ve become free in my mind. It feels great ! i can do what i want when i want and without anyone telling what and who i cant be with. yippeeeeeeeee.
I went out in the car today , it was busy though, i wnat to do loads and first thing is to dye my hair back blonde i don t care if its a bite drastic its me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well i manged to tke little one to club today, i was starting to pnick n the way but i recognised that there is nothing to fear on the journey now as im not that child naymore neither is fred west stalking me, and cause i thought like that i felt so much better is was really good and i addressed my fear rather than distract it, which worked so much better for me. Well done lisa for taking little one, now i ve got to pick him up ha,ha,ha,
I over did it working in the office this morning, it needed cleaning badly and as the cleaner doens t start till monday i did it. Well you can imagine what happened, i got myself all hot and botherecd and a mild panick attack kicked in again, it seems there must be another issude ther , when my heart rate rises or whether my heart rate rising is just a reminder of an attck i m not sure. Well i rested for a while, had some lunch and a shower and said to myslef i just need to calm down and rest for a while and i be fine. So i did , i had a shower and here i am writing my journal for the day.
I worried about my weight still having an effect on my health, so i going to cut down the calories, think having supper really doesn t help at all, i dont need it but im just so use to it i suppose. a sandwich and maybe biscuits late at night when you only just had tea at six is too much really.I do eat otherwise a really healthy diet. Its another thng as kids that we did that dad and i use to relish together. Supper together was when dad would sit and we d all watch tele. so i ve to cut it out and inly let little man have fruit or yohurt at that time of night so he doesnt have the same problem later. well bye bye for now

Well today sesions went well with the counsellor, i ve sorted out the reason why i feel guilty about not dong nice things around the house, cause as a child we had to keep the house tidy and do the washing up etc and was nt even rewarded for doing so like pocket money. At the end of the day there the parents not me they should have looked after the home and i ll clear away my mess that iv e made. My spare time with my dad was always doing something too, thats and eye opener as he must have had to do that a a child too. He always said how hard he had it. My abilties as a teenager have let me carry on being the same as an adult. its seems ive carried a load at a time all the time in doing things, taking on different personas and differnt taks all to please myself and keep me safe. This obviously has ne t worked. Its interesting to see I was nt allowed either to choose my own friends , as time goes on thers so many little things that have been wrapped around in my life in order to survive. Well now i don thave to do any of that, its strange to be safe and strange to be nice to. All i want to do is push stuff away to create bad stuff in my life so ive something to worry about even. Its as if i ve been so use to having these thoughts in my head that i don t know it any other way. Well now i ve got to find a happy meduim, get use to not doing things to extreme and one at a time even and think about what i d like to do that i enjoy and do something thats not going to get in the way of anything else or become over whelming. The thing now is to know that life isn t perfect and it has its up s and downs but also to start doing things i enjoy, be nice to myself. think about what do people do for me , praise me , say welll done to myself even for doings things so i dont continuously seek welldone form other people.

Last night i was awake cause it was hot and if i had the window open it was then noisey cause of the rain dropplets on the balcony. cant win in this weather really, esp with the kids off school its a real night mare. Last night i had horrible thoughts about little man and how i didn t want him any more. I also had thoughts about how crap my life is and how unhappy i am. I don t know who i am any more or what i want anymore. Its because i don't know who i am and how to be nice to myself that i don t know what to do. I ve spent all my life tryig to be with people to be nice to me or fit in as part of a crowd for the to be nice to me that i don t know who i am. Its really weird and very upsetting. I use to go from crowd to crowd at school and cause i was teachers pet and got good marks i was bullied for it so then i rebelled and went off the rails. drinking and going to school drunk and hanging out with the bad crowd, hanging around with men and motor bikes then on to college cause at college you would get attention and praised for doing well and then as an engineer cause of the attention i had from men. yet when i did get the attention i didn t know what to do with it, probably another reason why i ve found myself lost. im not sure what i should be doing.

I've realised toady that after all i ve been through over the past few years and not looking after myself then stresses have takne over and i ve lost who i am. I like my own space, cant stand working and i like to potter around like my mum did at home. i think realiseing that one cant cannot work then one has to work with looking after myslef and working at the same time and doing the things that i like so hers my list.
I like swimming, reading, sewing, cycling, going down the pub with friends too, all these things i have nt done for years. Its so hard when you ve got litle one and no beby sitters, i must sort out baby sitters. I must also make Hubby see that one cant but people, another two of our employees have left today. He even offered to pay for the employees bike test and the employee is clearly unhappy so he s not going to stay just for that is he. I ve done rather alot today, considering i m still getting over this virus. Housework and a bit of gardening. I like my garden trouble is its so bloody big and as i have other commitments its hard to keep on top of it. I also did 4 miles on th bike this morning so im pleased with myself that i did that and i ve cut right down on the calorie intake after theweekend excesses. Its rather sickening to see Howard keep insisting on people eating chocolate all the time its annoying and embarrassing. Well last night the cats brought a mouse in, its in the t v room and little man said its eaten the cheese he put out for it. I m pleased that i m able to identify my anxieties about meeting people and doing other things with meeting people cause of the bullying etc, I still annoyed about the temperature thing hough and i aint somehting that didin t agree with me today. I m really anxious about meeting my friend tomorrow, when i should nt be, i want to see her, i have a nice time when i m with her, its just the journey and the dreaded panick attack thing. I c ant keep making excuses, i wish i knew why im like it, it's fine when she comes here and little man plays with her little boy happily. If she lived round the corner i d vist her twice a wek , like i use to with linda, i ve even lost touch with linda cause she lives far away, on the other side of town and ruth. Distance seems to be a problem really, like when i use to go to school i suppose, the journey anywhere is frought with danger when its not now im oldert and of course the jurney home too is frought with danger, like the trip into town in the car, as its not a stone's throw away i hesitate n going unless im with howard. This fear i have of the journey is making me a prisoner in my own home even though i crave peoples comapny. I so wish i could be beamed to these places. I even us to get bullied on the way to and from school and too and from my paper round, so it all fits in with why i don t wnat to go out. It all fits the reasons for not going anywhere really doesn t it. just like having set meals at four thirty when dad use to get in. Its such a hard habit to break though esp when your use to grazing thorughout the day as thats how you were fed, every four hours. Itd funny really i wish my mum could read all of this, she d laugh i d think and be really surprised at the content. She probably say i was on planet Lisa again. I d like to be closer to them but they don t bother with me at all i phone them they don t phone back. they text how am, if i dont phone them for a month and i tell them i m not too well and they don t answer back.just bloody one sided all the time. They have there problems too and there house to run and they moan that i don t bother with them but they dont bother with me either. Why waste my time on people how are nt nice to me. no point is ther really, but they are family, ill never be close to my sister, i dont know her at all only that she's like my aunt and too have all the kids she has goes really against the grain. My cousin has nt kids or got married , i feel closer to that kind of thinking than to my sister. maybe i should make an effort with her and see what happens. it would be nice to see her.

After yesterdays blogs, anxiety hitting the roof cause hubby wanted to invite people over, it was a really good evening. When people are actually here i do actually enjoy myself and have a laugh with them. I even managed to speak to hubbies father yesterday enquiring about the sort of household he lived in. It seems that his mum and dad had people around all the time , and his dad said thats what kept them poor. He also said that they went on holidays and had things the other kids didn t. so when ward goes on about not having friends he sees freinds as having them over for meals. it so formal all the time. and then he goes on about having to work cause he had no money, well he was the one who wanted to work, his mum and dad didnt make him go to work. So its his issues all the time. Its just goes to prove that all he does think about is moaney and when im ill he seems to want to work al the more cause thats how his brain works. so after yesterdays entertaining im knackered now. Well he can t have it all ways, working looking after the house and little one as well as the home. I need to look after myself first so as he not going too then looking after myself comes first as he only moans when he s not working.
In fact is really not working anymore. All he wants is posh food, his lifr revolves around eating and entertaining, thats not what im about , i can do these things with him but as long as i have my needs meet too, like swimming and cycling and walking and blogging every day .i have to put my needs first too alongside his. I find it funny that the meat he cooked for yesterdays meal has given him a funny tummy this morning.Ha, Ha, Ha. he justs eats far too much meat.
I ac tually getting myself back together, Yipeeeee, Also the fact that i was anxious yesterday also highlighted the bullying i had at school too.

good news i ve found the email address of my cousin, whom i grew upo with for most of my life. Mum would drop us off and she would come and stay too.
I spoke to hubby about my anxities today and bascically its dawned o me that its going to take me along time to get over my fears of people and my past, Being followed and being bullied for my effrots by people have left me scared of the world. i m happy that i ve actually conetacted someone i knew hwom i got on with really well. i ve asked her to come down, it would be a shaky start but after a few beers im sure we would get on fine. Every time i see her im stuck for words as to what to say but im always happy to see her and see my aunt. Agagin i spent alot of time at nans house when mum worked so my life as i rememeber was with nan and my cousin. As for my sis in law today i ve concluded taht after calling my hiubby a cheat and a swindler she doens t deserve our freindship or our business. I llwirte her a letter too and see what she has to say about it.

Well this morningblog has totally turned around. Its a crap day outside and hubby wants to invite people around. Last time the neighbours came around i was so stressed that my stomach acid blew me up like a balloon. This is what happens when i get stressed. I get nervous about having people around. Its nice when they are here and i don t know what im scared of. If i can t solve this problem then hubby and i have a serious problem. I seriosuly cant go on like this, its affecting my health. Which is why i ve sought counselling. Hubby always says well i sort it out, but he doens t he always aske sfor my help all the time. Its like he s put on some meat this morning and i ve asked him not to. Then i said well if you want to put the meat on and have so much food in the firdge, more than we can handle then you do it. Well what happened, he asked me again how does he do it. The fire need cleaning out, again he asked me what to do, if he wants to do it then he should know how to do it. My anxiety about having friends over is the fac t that i ave to entertain and get all the food ready and prepared and if i don talk to them or want to be quiet then hubby talks about manoey all the time, when really we havent got any and he moans if i spend it. Like yesterady i said, it would be nice to have a nintendo ds and he said ok, he wanted to buy a tele, but when it came to it he moaned and pulled a face like hell about it. He is so tight about money its unbeliveable. yet he always tells people how we ve got so much. Mback to why am i stressed about havong people over for lunch. It should be a happy time, yet it's not , leading up to it. All my anxieties and fears and scares about peopla are coming out again. I m scraed of people, maybe it goes back to when i was bullied and when i was stalked in the park by a nasty man, because i takes me a while to get to know people maybe thats why im scared. Probably why i find justine scraey at school , she so upfront. I dont like having people around cause im scared of them. she very up front and is pushy and i need time to know people and to get to know them for a while , rather than it being pushed onto me.

Woke up this morning and feeling really sorry for myself about eating so much this weekend. It makes me feel rotten all the time that i eat too much. so toady i will cut my calories to cover wha iv e eaten. I also went on th trewdmill for half an hour this morning which made me very happy and burn off breakfast. I do have this thing about the fact that i feel good whne my weight is down and at the moment its really high and all hubby wants to do is eat too. It is and issue for me and I not sure whether i should accept myself as i am or loose the weight. Its a hard one. I think i should try and be happy with the weight that i am first then loose the weight and maybe if i was happy with myself first then the weight may come off naturally. Hubby has this this thinl that he does nt know what to do with himself on holidays, he feels that he should nt work or do house choirs, but then he just sits around and does nothing His life evolves around food and big boys toys. Yesterday was a good day, we wet up to currys then to his dads, I m beginnng to feel more confident when i go out with hubby now to large supermarkets. I do worry about going out on my own now though. Especially with little one.Well its as if im making excuses really, before its about his school and now its anbout meeting my friend over at the pub. At the end of the day i will only be frustarated and angry at the fact that i have nt done anything with my life if i don t go and what else will i be doing apart from nothing around here. So ok i m a bit apprhensive about driving all the way over to the pub but i want to go and seE her, I want her friendship and I have to make the effort and once i get there i ll be fine and if the worse comes to the worse i ll get lynne or julie to take me home if i feel i can t drive so it no big deal about coming back. its juts aweful when you have apanick attack thats all and i can phone howard at any time too.

Ok day today, still a bit weak frOm virus but getting there generally, feel lazy, as i don't want to over do it, but gotta take small steps I suppose just like with with my brain, small steps take it easy do what i feel i can do. Its like starting all over again really, think maybe write a list of what i d like to do long term,in raltion to things i like to do, things that make me fell ggod to and hobbie wise and what i want out of life a bit more. its really hard when all one has been doing for many years is working too hard and not looking after yourself.I really enjoyed the body balance classes and i really enjoy going to the gym and keeping fit. I enjoy music and i enjoy shopping for clothes and looking nice. I enjoy sunday morings and reading the papers oh yes and i enjoy swimming. I m going to look forward to doing those things. I enjoy julies company but the journey to her house is rather annoying, im not good in the car and its such an effort, maybe i think about going to the gym where she is going to the gym. then i can see her and also enjoy the gym too. I m feeling excited now actually and of course i want to book ahol for all of us in the summer in looe cornwall.
So the picture overall is lookng better, i like spending time with harvey and the swings and baking with him and i walking to the shop. also big brother is also starting soon so i can watch big bra whilst in the gym upstairs. I like cylcing too, harvey s getting older so we can all go for a cycle too as he gets older, I like reading and sewing and i like cooking too. It sunday toady so im going off to cook sunday lunch. byeeee

Fell better today. I' ve got no real worries and its cooler so its easier on my virus. Going to go on a diet. I do feel better about it when i loose weight so i m going to do what makes me happy. I've just emailed a letter of complaint to my local hospital and the way a nurse laughed at me. So I'm just going to take it easy this weekend. Hopefully we will pluck the courage up to go over the sis in laws and byea gift for Ian as a thank you present for the gates h es put up at the end of the drive. So i m going o have a shower take dogy for a walk and potter around the garden for an hour , have lunch and see if i can vivit the garden centre or something. have a nice day all , as hopefully i will too

This virus is getting me down, just as i feel well enough i go down hill again the following day. I start to do something and thats it i m absolutuely exhausted. I didnt sleep very well last night either, it was hot and hubby didin't come to bed till late. so really im geting frustatred at not being able to do much, but iv e got to let things take there course. The issues with sis in law is becoming boring and pathetic to be honest. Only on thursday did we have a conversation about , should they order the steel when hubby came home two weeks previous and asked them to do a job. Its as if everything that was out in the open went in one ear and out the other from some of the things she was saying. I told hubby to let it all go, the issues go, she has issues and insecurities that are making her the way she is and its nothing to do with us at all. Three of our employees havbe handed there notice in this week. We really can't match the wages other firms are offering one of them, another employee has been with us for over seven years, and he s just bored basically and the other one is doing his ink on line business. so its not all bad news , we ve already got two employees replaced , its not big deal, we ve been through worse its just disheartening and a hassle to get someone else. Nowt you cab do if employees aren't happy. They always come to us with , can i have this much money and this perk and that, we ve given in the past and it does nt work, if they don t like working for you they don t like it full stop. I m am naurally still upset mind.

It started off as being a real bad day today, stayed in bed till 8.30am, really didin t want to get out. Mustered myself into the shower and walked the dog and then to the office. After three weeks i have finally caught up with my work, we ve got so much work on its unbeliveable. Another employee handed his notice in and it was sad to see the comments that he put on it, but he had his reasons. Hubby takes and emloyee leaving personally and gives them loads of hassle when they leave cause he s upset basically. We ve treid given people more money and that usually doesnt work, if an employee is unhappy then there nothing one can do about it. Yesterday and today iv e actually started to think about the good things in my life and enjoy them and talked things over with me secretary, on how to manage my life and my thoughts. and how one has to manage the brain and write things down, and the fact as well that i ve been anxious for so long now, withour thethouyghts in my head, it actually a really weird feeling. I was really annoyed with myself about my comment about not more people here again, when my bro in law came round, it just slipped out. Its just that out house doe sn tfeel like my home, people are here all the time until late and i struggle to keep a routine going with little one and its hard when hubby invites evryone around. Yet at the weekends nobody comes. people ony seem to come around when they want soemthing.

It was 28 degress in our office toady, i was right it was hot. God i don t know whetehr im coming or going today. Im fine one minute then absolutuely flat on the floor with anxiety and panick attacks. Can anybody out here tell me what should an office temperature should be please. I just get so upset when im being told its me all the time which makes me more anxious which probably in turn upsets me more. God my emotions feel as if they are on red alert !!. I ve been shaking all day and had to leave the office to calm down and i d no reason to be shaking, not in my mind anyway. Everything seems fine and delat with on the surface of things. Maybe i just need more time to adjust to what has been happening, first the virus, counselling and then the hospital. it as been alot.

What is it with my bloody office, im getting so angry now that all i want to do is swear evry time i go in there. i go in all happy and up front to do a days work, within an hour i start to fell unwell and hot. I ve just gone in there this afternon to do some work and its so hot my face is red and hot to touch. My secreatry will say its me getting hot under the collar again when all i cant see it to be honest. Somethings not bloody right. I
i ve had abloddy enough of this , enough i say !!!!, i m going to get a thermometer to see if it is hot and confirm that it not me going looppy but it is just be bloody hot. Its making me more and more anxious by the minute that it might be me and not the atmosphere. aaaaaaaahhhhh, maybe i might have the virus back again, i'll take a paracetamal just in case it is, but i cant keep taking pain killers if i feel hot. its bloody dangerous.
its wierd cause i start to fell better when i m not in the office and out here in the house where its cooler.
I don t know what to say to my secretary when she says its me. and having to pick little one up like this under so much stress is balllllllssssss

The box is where i retreat to be sad, pset and not happy, angry , guilty and down. Its aweful being in the box, but when things get too much , when the voices and stresses of the days all add up i go in the box to try and protect myself form these sresses. Only after you ve bben in the box a long time does it become a problem, it gets scraey to be outside the box then. Building the house was stressful, being ill or being told you maybe ill is stressful, falling out with the inlaws is stressful too, being overweight is stressful and so is having panick attacke. The burden that these things have weighed on my shoulders pushed me into my box so now i ve to manage these stresses so they don t weigh me down as much again. I suppose like my counsellor said, put the anxieties you have down on papaer or in a box, think about them , buryn them and get them out and deal with them. I am one to self analyse far too much and go over and over and over these things all the time that are stressing me out and not having very many people to talk to either. Its been enlightening to have a counsellor to sound off to as well as this blog page to able able to write down all my thoughts and get off m,y chest what ever s bugging me. Hubby an i made i pact last night. i would nt interupt him as long as he didnt shout or raise his voice, i suppoe now we bothe need each others attention. When hubby gets down he buys himself a toy , last week it was t quad bike, he also seems to think we have nt gor many friends casue we don t have the around for tea. Apart form my ususal anxeities i think we actually do rather well. After watching the duchess last night it was also nteresting to see her ehangs ups were also created from when she was an adolescent. The developing mind is fragile as children we build up mecahnisms to protect us which as adults don't work. like turning to food for comfort for instance. I turn to food , not when i m stressed but when i feel its time to eat, as aparently if you mother fed you on a regulary basis, as a child if you don t get that regular feed then you become anxious. How weird is that, it would be interesting to see how many other epople are affected this way. I do eat healthy with the occasional slip of a take away or pizza but m sure if i didint eat healthiy then i d be the size of a house.
Well i was sick of being scared toady, it only makes everyone miserable around me and i fell miserable that im not doing anything either whne i want to be out in the garden or working in the office
hopefully today is a turning point again
and toady i will start to look at wht i have and how lucky i am and that i have a nice son and a nearly normal hubby and a nice house and be thank ful.
ttfn

Yesterdays counseling session was pretty traumatic, going through waht happened at the hosiptal. The whole experience really scraed me and shock me up. I found it affected me pretty badly. It not even the right time really to be upset like that. But thinking about it i had hubby and friends who were concerned about me , it wasa nice to nkow that they cared. I m still living with knowing that im scread of most things , outsdie of my imaginary box anyway. Everything was safe in my box. Everything was in order and as i wanted it to be depending upon how things are around me at the time. I chould choose to be ill for instance. But thats not doing my relationship with hubby all the time nor for my sons future. When my counsellor said about imagining a box, and putting any anxiety i had in the box i feel now i want to be in the box too. Maybe after all this time i have been in a box, outside the box is a scary place. AAAH yES Dororthys prison. She said it would be scary and not an easy place to be. Now i feel as if im at the prsion gates, it all makes sense now. The only thing is now to build up my self confidence and know that doing things now is not bad and frightening

Day off today, virus seems to be going grdually, i m just doing the minimal around the house today and tomorrow. Had an argument with hubby last night, i do feel sorry for him, he has alot on his plate but he keeps trying to stress me out with it. I m not having it no more, all he thinks about is work work work, its not doing him any good really, nor us. He accussed me of not liking him, it seems that as my attention is soley on myself for the moment he does nt like it. He says he helps by picking picks up little man up and i say is that suppose to be enough is it. he wants me to work and look after the house cause he does nt do anything around the place to help, without work we would nt have what we have or money. Well I say what have we got is unnecessary stress so much so that we re not enjoying Lfe at all and when we do have a break he is so tired. he seems to think being able to aford expensive meals out and meals is what its all about, it doe snt have to be that way at all. I say we should ask for help with harvey and he says we ve got no friends cause we don t ask them around for tea.! Where on earth does he get that into his head, we have people aund at least once or twice a month cause he inisits, people will like you for who you are not just cause you ask them around for tea.
Also after thursday fright im not going to be on the pill any more. I m not putting my health at risk any more than i have to. I m not getting any younger either and the risks go up when your forty.
I feel more positive about the future now too. the world is nt scarey i just need time to work through this is all. i know i seem to be asking for alot but i have to do this for my own sanity now, for the future for me and for little man.
I ve supported him and odne evrything for him for so long now that now its my turn for a while.

Well yesterday was a total nightmare, I ve got this virus and it was little mans hospital appointment yesterday. So to get myself out and about i decided to go with hubby to the hos.
Well i was fine geting there, but as soon as we went into the waiting room it was so unbelievably hot. I was nt painciking or anything it was just that as i was under the weather my breathing felt tight. I said to hubby i did nt feel well and he said go out in the corridor. Whilst i was out in the corridor, two nurse came past, ask if i was ok, i said notreally i was just getting some air. At this point they all went full alert, site dowm on the floor they said, lie, down they said, w ell get a pillow and oxygen. In the space of one min i was being treated as and emergency , given gas and air and i was just paincking then blood tests and heart tests, wheeled down to a & e and given an x ray when all i was doing was hypervental;ating cause i was pnicking as they were all around me. Then whilst in a & e the doc came round asked me loads of questions, i had a virus etc aches and pains and short of breath etc. Well then wait for it the doc said i might have a blood clot on the lung!!!!!!, i cried i was so scared, she must be wrong surely. then she said she was nt going to let me out of hos until they were completelty sure they had got all the tests back. Hubby was with me and i was so scared i didi nt want to stay in hos.
Anyway i got wheeled up to a ward and this nurse was horrible, she was short with me, she was ugly and had a bad attitude, she was nt a very nice person at all, i did nt deserve her to be lauging at me, i had a big shock and the other doc and nurses were just doing there job. It scared me so much though and upset me very much.
so toppaled with everything esle on my plate , like just loafing around te house with limited energy then i had yesterday to deal with.
This moring i fell out of breath, probably still anxious and i conclude that whilst i was in hos i was getting my self in a sate about being hungry, i thught i was going to be unwell, but then time would go on and i d be fine, so i m scared of not eating as well as all the other things im scared of. Like my counsellor siad, im scared of the world.
Its really weird cause now i m left thinking how in the hell have i been coping all this time. I must have been coping fairly well for something through some periods of my life. with hubby with me most of the time mind and as an adult i have chosen what not to do and waht to do that i feel comfortable with. I coped with working as and engineer and living in a caravan, i coped when my dad was alive and now he has gone. No wonder our relationship is strained, hubby wants to be my hubby, not my dad. No wonder i fell so stressed when things are not good between us or if there is any added stress ontop of things. Whilst sat in a & e i had a heart monito attached to my finger which beeped every time my heart pumped, when i thought bed things my heart would slow down and when i stopped thing bad things my heart rate went back to normal, aparently my blood pressure was up and down like a yoyo too. Its no wonder when you think bad things you feel bad , the power of the mind is amazing. So really i should always aim to think nice things and happy things and my body then won t feel like crap. If anything maybe yesterday was a day i needed to go through and hear or see how my brain actually affect your body. it bloody amazing really. I needed it brought home to me too about how important muy health is and that i m not going to let my fears take me over and enjoy life. My biggest regret when i was being told of an impending illness was that i ws angry that i had ne enjoyed life i was angry that i ve been so sad when there is no need to be sad. I have frinds and a loving husband and a lovely son. I just need support now and again to discuss things as it is alot for hubby and my friends to listen to and i need to know that im myself that I am safe, everything is ok there is nothing to be scared about at all. I suppose it will take a while get through things and just take it as it comes

Well after talking to the counsellor today i feel somewhat deflated. I m not sure why. I think maybe a telphone conversation is a bit awkward as you try to keep the conversation going and its thats what telephoens are for and momnets when i wanted to cry i could nt. It was unfortuante that i was ill this week and i look forward to getting things right off my chest next week. It seems i ve put alot of onus of my problem on one thing too,and now actually after thinking about this i actually took pride in my independance and ability to do things for myself at such a young age. So i will acknowledge that it made me feel good that i managed ok at the time, but later on it proved that this was nt the good thing it was suppose to be. I also think alot was covered too quickly too, maybe again not being able to work through my sadness has made me move on too quickly before addressing the next issues.

Well i feel better today, I'm out of breath easily but i m glad that i can do something. Just got back from wlaking the dog and i feel out of breath now so i ll just reat for a while. As i m getiing better im also getting angry at Hubby again. He jus works and works and comes in late, last night all little one had for tea, was what he picked out the cupboards crisps and biscuits. Rubbish and i mean rubbish and food left over was left on the kitchen work top for two days. Th house work has nt been done either and the cats didnt get fed last night unless i ask. so i m going to draw up a rota, i m sick of doing it all and having to work, I want our house clean. we ve gone through two cleaners now cause they cant cope, so what does that actually say about the whole situation.He did get supper for us but its when he wants it done. the dog doe snt get walked either unless i ask him and i feel as if im nagging him all the time so a rota it is.

Well I have nt written for a few days, i ve been ill with a horrible virus, fever and chesty cough, felt aweful on SaTurday night. My hubby had organised a fairwell meal for an employee who retired and the mael was at an exculsive restaurant. I was looking forward to the meal, but the fever coupled with the heat made me feel really unwell. I kept leaving the room to get somE air but all i wanted to do was lie down and go to sleep, it felt very awkward and i felt a burden, Before i would always be feeling anxious and panicky and i thought its just my bloody luck that i was feeling as i did. Hubby stressed now as 8 out of our eleven workers have all got it and are off ill and my secretary even phoned in sick today and its unlike her to be off ill. I visited my doctor on Monday morning just to check that i didint need and anitbiotics or anything and i decided to tell him of my recent revelation. He thanked me for sharing my revelation with him and was happy that i'd got to the bottom of things. He said that he always thought there was something there, which may explain why he came out with the comments he did sometimes when i was really low. I just ca nt belive that this fear has took over my life. I wish i had been able to sort it out earlier if anything but like i said to my secretary i needed to be ready for it.My sercretary said imagine if i didn t have the fear , id be the next prime minister with my brains, my answer was no i would nt i would be happy to settl for the things i had and live a more normal life rather than doing things driven by anger and fear. My secretary said something which i didnt really like yesterday, she said to me what did i think i was going to achive by runing to the doctors all the time. Well she has support in her life and because of my vunerableness then i do need alot more reassurance in my life than she does and my doctr is like another person to whom i talk to. It easy to put your take on things as being right for other people and it isn t . Any way on a lighter note, Last night whilst at dinner, hubby and i were discussing with little man, what sport did he like best. Hubby and i are keen and moy pushy for little man to pick one that he wants to do and enjoy. He is fairly good at most sports for his age so we were just merely quizzing him to get some feed back f all the sports he has been doing. so what do like doing best ..is said, hockey ?, cricket? footy, swimming? . He was shaking his head and looking down as i siad each thing. I was probably getting a bit annoyed at this stage that he didn t seem to want to answer so i just left the subject for a moment and paused to give him time to answer ......., then ...... Sewing he said !!!.. Hubby and i laughed so much we could nt stop laughing all evening after that.

Yippeeee
Iv'e hit the nail on the head, most of it anyway, at the age of five i was followed for a period of time by fred West as i walked to school.
A lie, you may say,a fabrication, you may say, its true and its affected how i do and think about things in my life and the way i do things
Now that i know I can move on and think of living a better way.
I lived in Gloucester , two roads away from where he lived. He would regularly stalk th parks. At the age of five or six i can still remember him to this day. I was scared and i tried to mange those fellings but they have hindered my thoughts throughout my life and now im ready to not be scared anymore.

I ve just read back through my blogs.
God its amazing to look back and see what im really saying. the wood for the tree thing.
My mother has unknowingly played a huge part in my life, i constantly ask for her to be nice and be there for me and not to make me angry or hurt me, cause she didint give me any attention as a child. All this in all sorts of ways, through situations at work and relationships are in my Blogs. Along with other hang ups this seems to be the main player behind things. However now i think, i cant remember my mum being in my life at all and i want to i want to feel and remember what she did when she was well. I remember her having her hair permed and dad only the dad before had proudly showed me the gift, a hair perming kit he day before, and when she found out she was nt happy. I remember the xmas she didnt like the dressing gown dad bought her. I remember her falling down our hill dad and i use to visit. I try to remember er like, didi she do the cooking, i know she did the ironing and god she use to moan like hell when she did it. I remebr one niht when i was older having a laugh with her over a song . i only remember dad, what was she doing. I remeber her tlking sharply to me when she had her friend around and she wanted privacy.I remeber her arguning with grandad when she fell out with him. I alays remember nan baby sitting for us and i use to love it ther but i don t remember her picking us up. I cannot remember her for some reason, why is that ? As and adult i remember her as being rude like she is now.
I always use to go to the shops for her, do the shopping with dad. I do remember her saying how she doesn t like my friends or any of my partners.
Have i purposely blocked her out of my mind for some reason, maybe only recently cause of being angry with her. Actually i do remmeber her always being on a diet. I hate the way she eats. She eats like a pig. I remember her when she went to work and lost loads of wieght and would dress up and put make up on she appeared to be confident at that time.
I m trying to remember us as a family though on a daily basis. I use to walk to school on my own. It was always scary. I acually got followed by Fred West. And i m not making that up either. I went to the same school as his son steven. and fred use to live in the road behind us. When i saw his iamge of how he looked in the sevnties i knew then that that was him the man tha use to follow me in the park when i was six and he would beckon me to follow him. I never told my mum or dad but I rememeber my mum saying that a flasher had apparently been seen in the park and it was as if she made a joke f it but it would scare me so much i sue to have to walk the main road way home and that use to scare me evn more. And when we moved i use to have to cross the main raod and that scared me too and i made friends with a girl and would like walking to and from school with her but mum said i was nt to asscociated with her as they lived in bedsits.Thinking about it my mum never use to like my friends, she d always belittle them and make a snide comments about them, fiona and sheriden.
Maybe im turning this into something thats not. Just cant rememeber, for her own reason, saying anything nice to me a all.
I want to remember though, probably cause i want to feel that she nice to me so i dont get hurt....ohh god knows....who knows again ..around in circles

Two days and i've feel as if i ve been under alot of stress, as well as being Hot in the office my work load is really high. My back and neck muscles are in knots i m taking pain killers to ease the pain, i'm shaking all the time. its as if im shaking in fear and i feel tension inmy head. I taking time out and have proper breaks and eating regularly and drinking regularly and think of nice things and happy thoughts but its so hard and i ve been shaking all afternoon. It is PMT week is anything. Felt panicky and shaky on way to pick harvey up but managed to make it and tried to think of nice things, but its hard when your driving.My Head was screaming out for help, don t know what sort of help though. I want to cry and scream but cant almost. Things i ve done at work have not been right but hubby said what i did was ok and right and good. I feel so vunerable and sensitive. I dont feel tired though. I thought i was handling things ok, but constant worries about all the things that have to be done have taken its toll again it seems. Not much room in my head for more worries.Maybe thats why i sleep loads to shut my brain off as its needs a rest. lately when i have been going to bed at a reasonable hour , as i actually saw eleven oclock for the first time in years, then my brain is tired from all thats in it. See i m making excuses again are nt i. Establishing reasons as to whats happening to me and why things are the way that they are.
Will crying help, will it realease the tension, it usually does .
I feel better that this is all out and will ask hubby for a cuddle later.Yesterday after he had calmed down from being back off Hol, he was fine and siad all he had to say but his added stress was that one of our employees has chopped his finger off and its all the health and safety stuff to deal with, one long term employee is leaving, two off sick and we re not keeping up with the work on site that hubby is working too. The grass has grown so fast this weekend its been a nightmare.
I wrotehim a