Still living in my head, still milling over trivia, still struggling with life in general weak.
Feeling emotions really raw now, able to talk about them to my hubby more now though which is good, still getting negative comments though and from mother. but she only knows what i tell her
I try and talk to hubby and its just a brick wall, black and white answers to everything, i don t know what to do, if things aren t right, get rid? self destruct then ? sell up get divorced , start again ?.
Mother thinks its hubbys fault that im not the confident person i use to be,i have been lacking in confidence since we married but it was all at once .
Alot of things happened then, i was very stressed from work, travelling plus long hours, the days before womens rights too. Snide comments about being a woman on site were endless,then work getting more stressful. no one seemed to listen to me at work, when things were worng, it was weird.
Felt like banging my head against a wall then too, i was very tired too, not being able to find a place to kip for the night and the building i was on was not right either, i felt as if i was being picked upon. health and saftey, timetables and materials were all wrong, but no one listened , only to through it back in my court.
The jibs would get me down, I was doing well up until I got posted to turo, thrown into the deep end of a surface water works, setting out and having to measure up against really experinced engineers and foremen. Cruical setting out. They were cruel and then posted to warminster, that wasn't any better, out of my depth really. It was a nightmare, I didnt know what i was doing, i use to cry every morning i got up to go to work and eat on the way home. Then i got fat and that made me more upset and down. the stress eventually broke me, doctor signed me off for a year, but i handed my notice in, only to be told i was nt that good. a real real blow a real blow to me.
They put me on those jobs they stuck me out on my own as an engineer, I tried to put my opinion across i tried to put my best foot forward but i was drowning in lack of self confidence that i suddenly found.
Getting married, organising wedding, holiday, stress at work then................
It was too much to cope with all at once, but i did something about it didint i , I stopped it, I tried to heal myself
But i've never been right since, been on antidepressants , panick attacks ever since for over ten years now
I Dont want the stress again do i?
I m scraed of getting stressed again, but theres nothing to be stressed about no more.
I did have a part to play in my own downfall but so did they.
Getting counselling on thursday, maybe ill let her read this to see how she can help me, i need to make a friend of hubby again and to feel good about myself again.
till the next time, everything out is seems to be doing me well