mind blower

Id just like to pubicaly thank Somerset County council dept of Highways for visiting my lane annually,to patch up pot holes and uneven road surface areas in the lane where i live.
This year however has produce more interesting results from the survey team who mark up the road areas destined for repair.
On their first survey, they only circled 5 areas of tarmac to be patched and now after several phone calls from the residents in the lane, they have now pinpointed over 100 in a length of road which is just under 1 mile long.
So i take this opportunity to say thank you for responding to residents complaints and allocating this as emergency work, which will cost you the tax payer more money.
Id like to thank the council in doing such a wonderful job and removing the tarmac and re tarmacing to a depth of 40mm on top of subsoil.
Of course this specification will take large tonnage loads on a twice daily basis from the milk lorries, the tractors and combine harvesters during the summer and of course all the cars that use our lane as a short cut during the rush hour period in the mornings.
I d like to thank them for excellant chapter 8 signage layout, which seems t be magically invisible.
And lastly I take this opportunity in looking forward to seeing you again next year to do it all over again.

Went to the docs today , just a check up, got to loose weight he said, I said i find it hard to loose weight, and easily get sugar lows and panicky.he also said that i might have a dariy intolerance which would actually help in the scheme of things.
He said eat fruit and small bits of food regualary. So with the counselling and going on a diet hopefully things should start to improve. I ve booked a weekend away for us as a family too.
wish me luck i so need it.

If anyone out ther has problems wth getting on with there mother then email me,
My mother, does nt communicate properly with me, so much so that she gets angry and is rude when she has something on her mind. Its a difficult siuation as this leaves me unloved, lost and sad.
She does t know what she does or doesn t say and how upsetting it is.
She was nt there for me whan i grew up as a teenager and i now i struggle with not doing the same thing to my own son.
She loves me and is proud of me but the way she says it and her lack of confidence and being in touch with her true feelings makes it all come out wrong.
I live in termoil because of this, not being able to turn to your mother when she is there is worse than her not being there.
My dad saddly i so miss him, we use to talk for hours on the phone together about things i miss him dearly and greatly.
Having had various stresse in my life up unitl now i ve onl just been able to get more in touch with my feelings, and by also coming off anti depressants. It really hurts that i realy have no parents to talk to. I feel vunerable and helpless, lost, angry and stressed and i want to feel at peace with myslef to be able to continue life in a better way than i have been. Ie, panick and anxiety attacks.
Its dawned on me today, whilst talking to my hubby that this maybe the major contributing factor and root of my depression for so many years.
Its scary and uncomfortable, but also i look to ssek a new beginning and a new pathway and a way forward.
I ve also been thinking that now i should, as well as accept that crying now and again is good to let out feelings as i have been alot lately that i should look to the positive things.
First i should tell you that my dad was a wonderful man, i use todo everything with him, wash the car, go for walks, and do the shopping with him, spend hours fixing the car with him, clean the house with him, cook dinner with him , wash up on sundays twith him whilst mother was in bed.
I even worked with him and loved working with him, I walked down the aisle with him holding my hand.
I understood my dad, we walked and talked on the phone alot and and i miss him soooooo much.
He was an engineer, passionate about architecture and buildings and structures and I am an engineer and passionate in the same way too.
He struggled in life to bring us up and as well as looking after mum. His life was cut short so undeservedly.....
I have in with me in my heart and in may ways like him too.
I miss you dad .....
But now i have my own family.. i love them too....
Give your dad a hug today won t you

Had a set back today, had a panick attck when i picked up littel one from School.
Been feeling unwell since myu blog this morning, didn t even get to take the dog out today. I had breafast and wa so tired i had to go back to bed, where i slept until lunch time.
Felt under the weather all afternoon. When the thought of having to pick harvey up dawned i felt rotten, i just want to stay in bed. Felt fine when i got there but because i was waiting for him until he finished his class that was it, heavy breathing, needed the loo, unable to concentrate.
I don t know what to do really, hubby can t pick him up all the time and because of different finishing times for parents i can t ask them to brinmg him back. Lat time i asked for help forma mother it sent me sprialing and worrying so badly. I m never any good at socialising, its because one don't want to let any one down if they asked to return the favour when i feel unwell , which s most of the time, feeling sick because of stress and colds and flu and virses and IBS and stomach upsets have plagued me for god knows how long.
Its upsetting me that i have this worry all the time too and makes it worse and this has nt been just recently i use to get them walking him to creche, just a hundred yards up the road when he was a baby right through form childminders up to now.
I do things like turn the car radio or cd up to distract my thoughts, but its so hard to keep that up.
Maybe i should enquire about a taxi service. I feel guilty for having to conside this but i cant go on spending my days worrying and i feel like i ve let my slef down by not being there for little one,its not too much to ask really
I ll talk to hubby and counsillor about it and see what they think.

Woke up feeling achy and stiff, still got a head cold, and tired.
One thing thats on my mind is the fact that, my recent period of being down coommenced and was fuelled by tiredness form buiding the houseand then the stress of the business nearly collasping last year and the worry it caused me. I priced 6 contracts at a loss and the businesss lost 30 grand and having stomach problems becaue of it, not being able to hold down food, bloated and acid caused my tonsils to swell up, which became uncomfortable, then there was the colds viruses before xmas.
Since xams i, like my family, have been plagued by stomach bugs too, feeling so weak and dizzy is all i can remember and then still having to work.
Theres no one esle who can do my job here either to the pressure of that is a burden too.
Being down and having colds have really not helped, washing, housework and the garden pile up and become another burden and problem in my mind and leads to being stressed out again.
Its like when you go out to work, have a week off, you come back only to find that your work is still there waiting for you and more has landed on your desk in the meantime.
Its not a question of oh it does nt matter, get someone else in to do your work, were a small business not one that can swap people around to cover.
People's jobs are in your hands and if customers don t get there tenders in on time or answers to there questions then they use someone else which puts the company in jeopardy, not just a case of getting another job is it, its bankrupcty and all that goes with it.
Bascically we have a sound business successful business, as did a propective buyer had said to us once, but when either hubby and i are ill then it is severly affected.
It was nt easy going through last year, businessmen say, start again, call in the liquidators, but its not as easy as that.
Overall we have the most successful landscaping company in somerset and our name preceeds us everywhere, yes we do a few few proble,s like all companys and one or two disgrutalled customers but we habe never advertised since its commencement and we run 15 blokes and subbies full time.
So we are good at what we do, to bankrupt the business we would loose the trust of our suppilers, unableing us to carry on. Having experienced another businessmen trying to start agagin , its really not pretty, and unless you have ready cash to win confidence back or start up again with a third party its a nightmare.
Small businesses like ours are the backbone of the country as with every industry, they have there place, people working long hours and living and breathing there work.
Having to put up with the larger players beating down your prices and driving you to possibly look every month at voluntary liquidation if there late with there payments if a customers garden has a mole in it , so a payment is held back,payment that won t even relate to that garden and for 10 - 20 other houses.
Its a cash flow nightmare.
The largest company in the country was the worse, i of course am not allowed to say who, but we would have, for no reason, have 50 - 60 grand held until you went to visit the p....... responsible. beg bassically.
Its not as if your fleecing them in any way you just want paying for the work you did.
One job, health and saftey matter, the large company had a health and saftey visit, The Agent requested our fabricator to make and install a handrail at 8 oclock at night.
charged the company 100.00 plus vat, or as near as dam it.
It took 7 months to get paid !!!!
Why don t you leave you say, we re tied to a contract with these big players that if you fail to continue then all remaining monies may possibly be not paid should you wish to leave. So factoring is out the window.
Bloody nightmre...no wonder im stressed........

I had a really good day roday, I took the time to sort out the house before i started work and that made me feel good.
At work it took me all day to sort the mail. My method of working is to deal with the mail and all the arsies from it before i venture on tenders. Today took allllllll day to do the mail.... its unreal really.
Felt tired at about three o'clock ,then started to flag. Think work is so intense it really tkes it out on me and of course not being fully with it.
For the first time in about two maybe three years i can still see happiness.
There s still alot to sort out, which is why my new counsillor phoned today and booked me in for next wednesday. Was pleased to find out it's the same counsillor as before.
I had a light bulb momment today, my tension and defensiveattitude with my hubby comes from wanting to be independant and i find it hard to ask or pass by anyone let alone my hubby.
My hubby is a joker and i cant see the funny side of things a she can, he winds me up all the time so i ll ask him not to. He does actually acknowledge what i do say but a few days laterwhen hes had chance to think about it.
The house feels so much better today as its clean, i must make a point of telling the cleaner that her work is very much appreciated.
Bought a magazine on cooking today, it would be nice to have the ingredients for some recipes but i havent any money at the moment.

Woke up this morning, my back is so tense i needed to take pain killers to ease the tension.
Not very good last night, Had tea the did some gardening, after an hour i could feel my self getting tired
When i came in i was tireder than i thought and felt unwell, it was hot in the house too so i had something to eat and sat down for a while feeling uneasy.
This is the trouble, when i feel slighty unwell it spirals.
Had a bath , then hubby annoced he saw his brother and they ve made up, his bro was sory for being stressed and they are to apologise for being angry at me.
I will have my say and that i m not going having raised arguments again as i cant cope with it. Its not fair on all of us really getting angry with each other.
I was disappointed to hear that howard was going out with bro in law on friady night , he does nt take me out at all only when the secretaries have a go at him.
I made a mistke with the turf, hubby was angry with me, not very but told me not to interfere, i was then very stressed and had chest paind in my shoulders and right arm and had to go to bed.
I get these pains evry time i have a panic attack too. its very worrying all the time, another factor of why i don t like to go anywhere.
The bloody great landrover we have makes me car sick and then agagin i get stressed and these pains come on.
I approached the doc about it and they sent me for tests but everything was fine, but there must be an answer as to why im getting these pains.
I d like for us to go out. I ve booked a day of for us to go out for the day on tuesday to exter , shopping and lunch.
That would be nice to spend time togethe. just us.
As for the garden, which was also in the front of my mind, I decide to get a handy man in, hubby siad he would get one of the guys to do it on saturdays. He said that last time, if i keep asking i only get accused of moaning if i keep on.
So im going to write a list for himto work through.
I have a big garden and i really ca nt keep up with it, the mnute you weed one bed and move on to the next the previous bed needs to be done.
With my energey levels being as they are its a night mare.
i feel everything has to be perfect and in place, i like to keep a clean house , well kept garedn etc, if you dont keep on top of it all goes to pot and out of hand
I ve just realised, with everything ive been writing down, ive so much bloody crap in my head, its unbeleieveable, no wonder i cant cope with everything.
its been good to get it all out, thanks blog.co.uk

Woke up a bit tired,
Bro in law stuff racing around my head all night again.... its realy stupid cause its all what s only in my mind, nothing more.
So i watched t v to distract the houghts then fell back t sleep again.
Went to take little one to school but my stomach is all bloated out and uncomfortable and got a bit of a cold, i asked hubby and he didnt mind.
It does bother me that its o hard to do such a small thing but for every time i find it stressful taking him , only makes it worse the next.
Continuing on from yesterdays list that upsets me
I cant seem to sit and listen to someone talking to me, when someone is sat telling me there tales a wave of blurryness comes over me, its as if me blood pressure has suddenly aken a dip, i get blurred vision, confusion and numbeness in my legs. which agagin sets off a panick attack.
I now getting upset as its holiday time and as much as i want o go and enjoy a break i also dread it. I hate to be the bore when i feel tired and one has to stand on ceremony all the time when you go to a hotel.So even on hol i cant relax. Hubby always pressureing me to do stuff when all i want to do is relax by the pool and if i don t join in then thats its im m left on my own, in a state of fear cause of being in a strange environment.
Centreparcs it is then for this year.
Its like this week , one day i can wake up fine, the next day there is somehing wrong with my body for instance.
My Blogs seem so bad compared to everyone elses, all im doing is moaning. You have to get it all off your chest though and plase if anyone says pull yourself together , please don t , it just makes me feel even worse for not living up to what i d like to be doing.
Which really brings me on to, what would i like to be doing.
Id like to be happy and look forward to going to work, i do to some extent. Things are just choirs all the time to me at the moment.
God i m so unhappy, but i don t know what to do to be happy. like to go swimming today..............., seems like short term stuff though.......see nothing seems to please me. Beng confident made me happy and working outside and getting out and about meeting people.
maybe I should do that one day a week. get out and about with Hubby in the car.
I can t stand working in an office any more. i like the work but i dont think its good for me.

My four good day in two weeks.
I feel happy that I took my little man to school and picked him up. I feel happy that we all drove to bro in laws and i managed ok, didi nt get too stressed, for five mins but then i was ok.
Was happy that i ve done the ironing and happy that i got on wll at work.
I feel happy that hubby and i had a good day today even though he was unwell.
I feel happy to be happy. is nice to feel happy.
One of my readers suggetsed that i wrie things down that upset me most.
So here goes.
Upset that bro in law is upset and upset when he and she raise there voice to me down the telephone instead of tlaking things through properly.
Feeling stressed when i visit my only friend.
Not being able to go swimming in case have panick attack and needing the loo, would like to go even with someone who already goes.
Not being able to go shopping on own, again panick attack stuff
Having too few friends.
Being overweight.
not being able to relax and have a nice coffee with a friend.
Not being able to talk to mother and she thinks my hubby is to blamefor me being the way i am, but its not.
Weeds growing in the garden and i ve no time to see to them
The dog being tied up most the day cause bro in law hs nt made the gates.
Not being able to go down the gym.
Hubby taking my ideas and claiming credit from others.
Like a little more conversation with him.
Upsets me about being stressed about thinking about picking up Little one from school.
The chickens ate all my veg last year

Things that upset me that iv'e sorted out.

Got a cleaner in to help me around the house
I killed and ate the chickens

So first thing to sort out is bro in law,
Get hubby to talk bro in law and talk properly
And should they phone MEup again then i will clearly state that im not having a discussion on the phone.only a proper one face to face where one can come up with proper answers to hard questions and queries not a shouting match where one cant think cuase emotions are running too high.

Thats what i'm going to do.

Hubby and I are also doing things this year , every week we will visit somewhere that will make us happy.

Its been a good day at last.

How much more am i to cope with.
Hubby was short with me today. He mentioned getting a bottle of champagne from the shop or a bunch of flowers from the garage for our friends, for whom we were to visit today
When leaving, i said are nt we going to the garage, he immediatley jumped on my case, saying defiantely not, don t buy champagne form the garage. We 'll get it from the co op.
I then continued to explian , for him not to be rude and defensive, and that was it then.......argument time....
everything came out, if im not happy.. leave... he buy me a house and give me an income.....
Clearly he s the one not happy by being shouting me down and has obviously taking the time to find out what entitlements are.
I m not particularly happy at the moment, frustrated would be a more appropriate word. not being able to venture out on my own, and get easily stressed and of course all the stuff in my previous blogs.
My hubby is the one who s not happy, for him to come out with a comment such as he did and possible arrangents.
well if that the case then thats the way it is, nowt i can do anything about it.
I just not happy with myself, which unfortunatley is frustrating for others.
I personally want us to have a good exploring year,back to visiting places and having fun and no more projects that stress us both out and push us apart.
Normality really.
I m looking forward to planning holidays for instance and days out with little one.
we both agreed really this evening, on the way home from our friends that living in the caravan as we did for that period of time was absolutley horrendous and terrible whilst we built our house.It was not good and the down we both experienced afterwards was just as bad if not hell.
I never want to do it again in my life and i would never recommend it to anyone unelss they had a real aptitude for it.
People say how fantastic our house is. It is fantastic but we may have yet to pay a terrible price for our vanity and making our dream come true.
I hope we don t have to
ttfn

What do you do when hubby wants to go abroad and you don 't cause your too fragile and low?
I don t want to stop him and i m not going to say you can ' t but because i'm low i want someone to be with me.
And where does this leave your relationship, i can feel peoples thoughts, why didin i go , they would always ask. They don t want to hear your scared of yourself and the world and your low and not very confident at the moment.
Its the same when he goes out, he doesn't go out much, usually the run up till xmas is busy where he does with various things.
I dread xmas every year again, as I worry about the run up until xmas, the fact that i know that he will be going out alot and leaving me on my own.
Why don t i go with him you say, I like to go out yes , but not too late, I feel as if im being a bore if i go home early when i ve had enough. and all the organising is and baby sitters is always left to me. Then there the day after, not being as young as i use to be, i m knackered, it knocks you back a day or two, and with a family and big house, who else will cook tea and see to little one.
Again I don't want to stop him doing these things but it just all builds up and i hate xmas because of the pressure of having to go out too.
Because i've been so stressed, rising stomach acid has irritated my tonsils, when i get ho and tired they swell up, its very uncomfortable. So by the time it was about eleven oclock i wanted to go home.
People didn't want to go home did they, so again i was mrs moaning miserable.
So thats another reason why i don t go out. Its not nice watchin g evryone get drunk around you either and your not, drink makes me ill and very very anxious.
I ask him to come home early when he goes on my own. I'm anxious and panick when i'm on my own, I try and occupy my mind with things, where then i end up over doing things and making myself ill. A pain, a stab, heavy breathing of any kind will usually set me off somehow.
Hot,cold,weak, shaky and even to the point when i phone up the hospital. I just want someone to tell me i'm ok and ust rest normally.
I ve said to my hubby now that i ve had enough of the whole thing of anxiety and if i feel then sod it ill phone an ambulance.
I'm worrying now too, as harvey is starting to mimic me, "I, m having a panick attack he d say, when were just out for a walk, as he can hear his heart beating" The teacher cmae up to me the other day and said Harvey doesnt like the sounds and smell of the school canteen. It reminded him of when he was ill, before half term, he had a tummy bug. I said it was probably the reminder of the event of being unwell.
Its also sad, when your attempting to buy something and waiting in the queue that you need to go to the toilet, and getting all hot under the collar, as any queue set me off needed the loo, and litlle man has been, since the age of five, paid for items for me, while i rush outside for some fresh air, where all the feelings just disappear. It makes me so sad that im doing this to him, but ther is no one else to help me, short of this i dont actually go shopping at all unless hubby says he will go.
My feelings about my bro in law has heightened again this morning, because of maybe we have forgot his sons and his wife's birthdays. I ll email grandad to check the dates and send some flowers and cards etc.
Yesterday was a fairly good day, my freind came ove, we discussed being stressed, and family life being so hard and wanting to do it all but we cant. She s experiencing the state of stress over the past year that i feel i have had for the past tens years. Discussed my conversation with my mother and how she unsupportive, and also about the choices we are making.
She says she wants to doit all, thinking about it, yes so do i.
We both comfort each other fairly well but frendship is becoming more like a therapy session every time we meet.
I also worked did some exercising for half an hour which made me happy. Only to get rid of the calories that the evening take away would have contained.
I feel that because of my state of mind and for so long now, if hubby carrys on doing the things he s doing then there s no future for us, not because i want it that way its because i ve had enough of the stress and anxiety it causes me.
I d rather settle into the state of being on my own. The four nights missed sleep and stomach churning days i spent on my own when he went to iceland began to dissapear as i got use to it. So after our inital break up i would get use to being on my own and then no one will stress me out again and i can do as i feel.
Hopefully today will be good,i'd like to get on and do stuff around the house but w eve got lunch at some friends. They are ok friends
Having a business tends to attract friends that only come around when they want something.
Some people are nice though, but then I panick and stress out when i commit to something with someone. Like julia offered to baby ist for harvey one weekend, i said ok,then immediatley i was scared, one of having to commit to return the favour and then do i need her friendship.
The journey to school, in the car, is still bugging me.

Off load my mother would say, can t be doing with that, she d continue. Where the empathy mother, do we all become less tolerant as we get older and revert back to being selffish and happy.
Business & motherhood!
Its not a good combination.
Its bloody hard work, yes everything changes with children under your feet to organise and worry about, things are harder, when your attending to a needy child and a worker is trying to flank it again, pleading stress and illness when he just does nt really want to work, not only that you do have less time for yourself, unlike when your younger and free.
Small business! your doing ok for yourself you may say,your choice you may say, like joining the army and putting your self in the line of fire you may say! someone has to to do, we all play are part in the bigger picture.
Stress is just getting to me now, not doing things that making me happy, dinner parties, balls ! i dont enjoy it not when i m stressed all the time and down.

I woke up this morning, the tension and stress is pounding around my head again,i feel sick to the stomach with emotion.
The thoughts racing around is causing my brain to hurt. I feel i m not coping with things again.
Its been four and a half months since i ve been off the pills.
during the week though i felt happy, i hevnt felt happy for years, it was nice to fell happy, it was comforting even.
It was nice to feel those feelings.
So my Blog for today to to write things out again to get them off my chest.
Its not right that Bro in law should shout or raise his voice to me or Howard, nor put Lesley in the middle of the anger, because he is pissed off, it's not the way. If he pissed off then he should do something at his end to correct it, shouting and holloring doesn t get anyone anywhere.
It was a genuine mistake that I faxed over the defects document.
I forgot that Ian can't guarentee the gate. Which s the down fall to being on medication, it messes up your memory, amongst other things.
The trouble is, he took it upon himself to get a contractor in to fix the gate mechansim instead of leaving it to the client as he originally agreed, to supply only, hence why he s lost out on thousand punds, and while he s rasing his voice to me all the time its not giving me the strength and a clear head to fight his corner properly, because they are stressing me out so much.

He could have approached talking to me in a better way, its unacceptable to carry on in this manner.
I voiced this view to my husband as we woke this morning and i was surprised to hear him saying the same thing.
We ve had enough of the relationship as it is, we don t want to fall out as a family and therefore we feel we should end doing business with him, by not taking up any more contracts, before it goes too far and we fall out as a family.

My hubby has invited him around several times to discuss things, iron out the problems before the mole hills become mountains and talk them over.
He has said yes he would but has never been as he is so busy working.

If one side isn't happy then they should meet up and talk face to face. With alot of money and work at stake, issues no matter how small, should be discussed at the table not through angered remarks over the phone, not matter whos fault it all is.
Each party are able to give definative answers to put to questions and then, sort the problems out.

This is how businesses operates and this is how we operate with our clients and why we have a successful business.

On the face of things and form our perspective, Hubby's brother semms to have been very tired and stressed since last Novembe. We ask ourselves why and nly come up with the fact that the stress of building his extension and working hard appears to be too much for him.

He does like to do things himself and to his credit he is very creative and practical and able to do so, but one can't do everythingone self, as hubby and I have learned over the years.
Having a small business is not like a 9 - 5 job, with the responsibilty left at the door, you live and breath the business and there's not much room left for anything else.
To the point that family relationships become strained unnecessarily aswell, if something happens, its hard to cope with.
Even with every thing finished on our own house and gardens, housekeeping and simple thing like mowing the lawn and get people in to help is the only way we manage, so building your own extension would for us be impossible.

The situation is not acceptable, I love my bro in law and hubby loves his brother, we dont want to see or hear him so angry and stressed it hurts us too.

God why am i making so many mistakes, what does it mean?
Am i not capable of working any more, is it all too much for me, do i need to offload ?
And when i am making mistakes do i deserve to be shouted at.
I know i do my best, its all that does matter.
But when its money involved and other people they get so defensive.
think the key is to maintain communication, explan, faults and mistakes, iron things out and if one party is not happy then they should decide to do something about it or request that the person making the mistakes do soemthing so they don tmake any more.
It's how people fall out isn t it, he said she said stuff...
I m not one to get rid,
My mother says " can t be doing with all that " she says to me and get rid of what stressing you out.
if you gave up at the sign of trouble then humans would nt progress would we.
I would nt be sitting in my lovely house, car, garden, little one n a good school, nice hols ect, if i didnt persevere
.
Suppose i must talk it out with those around me, not let it stew and move on once again.
When is enough enough though and at what point is it when things don t go right , when do you say thats enough.

Just bumbling along again,faxed off a defect from the client to brother in law,about the gates he s put up and he phoned me back rasing his voice, asking why did i do it. as he not responsible for the gates.

I should have thought about it, but gadds have just faxed it back to us and I just faxed it on automatically.

He raise his voice to me and upset me, I shouldn't have done it ,it was a genuine mistake,but im not tolerating being shouted at.

He got no right rasing his voice to me.

Do i write to the company i worked for and ask for an explanation ?
Why was I thrown to the lions, why did my manager come out with th comments he did when i handed my notice ?
Maybe i m asking too much, but then again what am i asking for, an apology ?
hell knows, just want me back really, just want to feel worth something, being worth soemthing to someone else as well as yourself is all part of life.
I just can t get over it...
Its a pretty sad situation when one can t get over what someone said to you over ten years ago.
But it was cruel and a blow... he might as well have killed me for all the pain it has caused me, then at least i d be at peace.
One minute i was part of the best construction\civil enigineering team in the country next minute i was trash and i was nt much good at my job all said to me as i handed in my notice in.
Maybe i shall point him\them in the direction of my Blog, to write to the company would take several pages of why im writing and i don t want waste someone time when i know full well that your letter is just one of hundreds that go to their office all day

It seems as i write this, that maybe even if i don t get a response, just being able to put things to bed write o them on how i feel and move on is the way forward.

What do you reckon

My councillor phoned me up and cancelled yesterday, bugger !!,she s not very well and not sure when she will be better. I was looking forward to getting things off my chest and getting help.
I need help for sure, went out for a walk with the family yesterday felt so anxious and tense whilst we walked to our destination, only to see farmer jim, next door , was fairly long walk and i tensed further and further as we got closer to him.
After stopping at the gate while hubby greeted him, jim was in his tractor planting potatoes, i calmed down and felt fine. Had momments of worry when he went out of site for a short while .when we walked back i was fine....
how weird is this all the time....i wrorry all day about picking little one up from school, yet the journey home is fine..... if only i knew why i get so tense when i go anywhere.... my hubby said he was scared... maybe because of depression feeling are explosive rather than just normal......
having lived with panic attacks for over ten years now , the books say don t give up, think positive.....it has nt worked for me.... little amn six years old now and still i get very nervous.....my secretart said get a taxi to pick him up.... but thats giving in to it...it would take away stress and the exhaution i experience because of being so nervous and make things nice though.....
i have to book another concillor...

After yesterdays Blog, i spoke about my experience with the company i worked for with my husband. I d spent all day thinking well maybe i did have a part to play in my down fall and breakdown. But after speaking to my hisband, who was working with me at the time he put me back on track to what i knew all along.
I was good at my job, though i was stressed and tired of the hours i had to work and the travelling. my stress emulated form being stabbed in t he back, i mentioned briefly that talking to blokes was like talking to brick wall then i would get the blame. My husband stated that at the time the company was doing alot of work here in the south west, due to key figures within the company having contacts, when these people moved on, the work dried up. Hubby said that form what he experience do fthe company , everyone was suddenly out to stabb each other in the back or take credit for anothers idea. Its suddenly dawned on me, suddenly put all the pieces together.
My department was doing well, all be it some mistakes from others that i was trying to put right then i was forwarding on this concerns onto the right person, but instead i was getting nom raction and blamed for things not being correct.
It was a nightmare people whom id worked with for the previous four years.
I wrote evrything down in my diary of course but that would be a waste of time.
so i actually fell relived that its not me , i was good, and maybe there was a struggle for jobs and because i was stressed and a little bit out of my depth, even being a woman may have had a part to play in the fact that people were fighting for their jobs.
My question is now how does one put closer on the whole thing, Why did the contracts manager at the time say that i was not really any good.
Shall i contact the company and ask , or will i open pandoras box.
I did the right thing by handing my notice in, for my own sakes but now to address those damming words that triggered my slef esteem to plummet.
Alot of other factors were going on at the time admitidly the question is should i pusue this further, ithas ruled my life for over ten years now and i have become scared of being happy and being myself again through fear of being knocked back.
I want to lead as normal a life as possible for my sons sake as well as mine.

Still living in my head, still milling over trivia, still struggling with life in general weak.
Feeling emotions really raw now, able to talk about them to my hubby more now though which is good, still getting negative comments though and from mother. but she only knows what i tell her
I try and talk to hubby and its just a brick wall, black and white answers to everything, i don t know what to do, if things aren t right, get rid? self destruct then ? sell up get divorced , start again ?.
Mother thinks its hubbys fault that im not the confident person i use to be,i have been lacking in confidence since we married but it was all at once .
Alot of things happened then, i was very stressed from work, travelling plus long hours, the days before womens rights too. Snide comments about being a woman on site were endless,then work getting more stressful. no one seemed to listen to me at work, when things were worng, it was weird.
Felt like banging my head against a wall then too, i was very tired too, not being able to find a place to kip for the night and the building i was on was not right either, i felt as if i was being picked upon. health and saftey, timetables and materials were all wrong, but no one listened , only to through it back in my court.
The jibs would get me down, I was doing well up until I got posted to turo, thrown into the deep end of a surface water works, setting out and having to measure up against really experinced engineers and foremen. Cruical setting out. They were cruel and then posted to warminster, that wasn't any better, out of my depth really. It was a nightmare, I didnt know what i was doing, i use to cry every morning i got up to go to work and eat on the way home. Then i got fat and that made me more upset and down. the stress eventually broke me, doctor signed me off for a year, but i handed my notice in, only to be told i was nt that good. a real real blow a real blow to me.
They put me on those jobs they stuck me out on my own as an engineer, I tried to put my opinion across i tried to put my best foot forward but i was drowning in lack of self confidence that i suddenly found.
Getting married, organising wedding, holiday, stress at work then................
It was too much to cope with all at once, but i did something about it didint i , I stopped it, I tried to heal myself
But i've never been right since, been on antidepressants , panick attacks ever since for over ten years now
I Dont want the stress again do i?
I m scraed of getting stressed again, but theres nothing to be stressed about no more.
I did have a part to play in my own downfall but so did they.
Getting counselling on thursday, maybe ill let her read this to see how she can help me, i need to make a friend of hubby again and to feel good about myself again.
till the next time, everything out is seems to be doing me well

Family and business dont mix
on the verge of falling out with bro and sister in law. They are stressed out cause he is working so hard and also having to build his own extension.
Things have nt beeen going well with sis in law, seems that discussions on the phone between her and i have become more argumentative, im having to apologise al the time for thngs that are not my fault are mistakes are over emphasied and over heated and have alot of anger in the background, behind the subject of discussion.
When my hubby and brother talked last week its seems that during a visit they made here last new year 2007 mind.
I said something out of turn, sister in law took it the wrong way and didnt say anything to me or my hubby aboout it. Its clearly been festering and because of added stress of there extension and wrok related problems that this has been blown out of propartion.
She, lesley, has nt said anything during the numerous visits to there or our house to say she was upset and now according to bro in law its coming between us.
She doesnt answer the phone to us
What do we do ?
Confront the issue let them get everything off there chest or just let it go.
we are stressed cause they are stressed, they have alot on there plate at home and work and are aiming stresses in our direction.

Its been a bad day, my back hurts with pain of stress, stomach pains, feelings of anxiety and excess energy.
The day started out well, did the ironing then when hubby came in and just churned up all the crap thats going on, my stress levels just hit the roof again. I m cying inside and my head is pounding. My chest hurts and i just want to run away. I should cry this out really , like i did yesterday . walling out loud seemed to do the trick, just let it all out.
I ve turned down an invite to mothers cause of being so down and stressed, i need space and time to get through this. It doesn thelp with kids around your feet, needing there every need attnede too. I want to run away but god knows where. I want to sleep for sure, sleep always helps.
when the cat crys or even when the dog barks its like another knife in your heart of emotions.
Yesterday was nt good either, panick attck again on the way to my frineds house and hubby diin t make me feel any better by asking , why didnt the fencer finish his work, as i asked him to pick my little man up.
Hubby makes me feel bad for feeling sick and miserable too. he says im rude and miserable and i just say im ill and i just need space and im not getting it he just needs his needs attending too that all he is interested in.
One cant palm little one off the little one all the time but god i wish i had help.
I feel better now that ive got all of this off my chest though.
Tea was a disaster, tried to make toad in the hole and the dishes exploded on th hob as i was heating the fat, ready for the batter, but wait for it, not once but twice and whilst im writing this the kettle has just burnt out.
On the bright side ive planted out all my broccili and sprouts in the garden today, felt very exhausted only after an hour but atleast i did that and of cousre some housework
Well over and out for toady before i completely bore you
to death

Hi well its another month on.
Toady im feeling very sorry for myself, i ve been fine most of the week, even not too worried about hubby and baby going away without me , to iceland mind.
Yesterday i was doing some gardening and all of a sudden i became very shaky,hot,weak in the arms and legs and felt sick. My heart was pounding and i started to feel so unwell. I continued to feeel kike this throught the rest of the day and calmed down eventually through the night. I ate soemthing small as to keep my energy levels up then ahd a bath.
I spoke to my hubby and felt better then went to bed.
Today i feel really tired and sick again, but beeter than i did.
I just rested today and await the day for hubby to return.I feel so vunerable being on my own, now one to talk to and when i dopluck up the couage to get out of the house i can feel my stomach chuning again.
One hopes I will feel better in the morning and then its only one more day until hubby and my baby harvey comes home.
I miss there company and wish i didn t feel like this.
i don t know what to do when i feel unwell, I want help but don t want to burden anyone. I want to feel confident and able to be comfortable with myself but unable to.
Nothing will happen to me, but when you panick you feel as if your going to die and i don t want to be alone.
I want to phone people and go and see them, but Id have a panick attack on the way and it would wash me out big time.
I ve a big weight on my shoulders consisitng of pain from my tummy and worry that i will fall unconious when i panick
so when i do other rhings its all too much to bear.
Falling out with the sister in law is not good as i want harvey to be close to his cousins.and to have someone i can talk to candidly about things.
I cant talk to my mum nor to my sister about things either.Ive tried but my mum just had a go at me.
so tonight its just one more night closer to hubby coming home. i ll have a good cry in the bath and go from there.