mind blower

Well its one month on.
I'm down, depressed, got no motivation to do anything, bored and fed up.
Contracting viruses all the time is getting me down too.
Fell as if i nedd to do something but what i really don t know.#
I have nt a suport netwrok as such or any friends that i can do anything with.
My one friend is very nice. we get together for the kids but she lives twenty mins away.
I hate living out here, it miles from anywhere, no one to talk to when i walk the dog, no shops or shopping only unless i get into the car.
My other freind is too busy to see me and i find it difficult to get into town. Its all or nothing when you go into town.
I just want a laugh , something i can choose to do thats not stressful and if i feel unwell then its no sewat and just go another time.
Friendships are hard work, or are they ?
I keep feeling ill when i go see my friend and i don t know why, then i panick and then i have another panick attack. Which gets me down further again.
Just be nice to have a coffee with a mate, relax, sound off, and chat without feeling anxios all the time.
Be nice to do normal things, what is normal.
Don' t know who i am or waht i am anymore. Just fel as if im goinf through life doing the motions.
Can talk to my husband, he doesn t give me feed back, just sits there and grunts, its like talking to a brick wall, and he seems to be nice with others and bothers with everyone else but not me. Does nt help me cook anymore and just moans at me when soemthing goes wrong.
I like to go back to the gym again but i feel that if i don t go i m letting myself down, if i don t see my frind im letting myself down again.
God!!!!!
My argument with my ex secretay has got me down,"drop dead,do us all a favour",she said. I merely said i am who i am. Life is hard yeah. Everyday for me there always something, yes i do drag myself outta bed, i do work, i do take interest in our son
Even in pain and lowest of mood i do do all of that and yet i get beaten down again by just voicing how i feel that day.

I m coming off anti depressants !!
I've read Dorothy Rowes Book and giving it a go.
Im not aloud to talk about it, people around me don't listen anymore, it possibly sounds broing to them by now,so im blogging my mind (thoughts ) out in text.
Reason, 1. to help me and 2. maybe share the same things with someone else and possibly I might not be mad after all.

Its Sunday 2nd March 2008.
I've read an interesting piece in the Sunday paper today about weekends and how one should spend them.
It made me feel quite good as it confirmed that weekends these days, are filled with guilt as Guilt is a big part of depression.
In a nutshell one should'nt feel guilty about not doing a thing or to do doing something totally selfish or engrossing and not things like housework, visiting a beach or fun park etc and dovote weekends as me time.

I've always felt guilty about not doing something at weekends, and yes that includes having a spotles house. Somtimes I ve felt that your not to waste a weekend, waste your life basically, for reasons such as to have something to say to your freinds what you ve done or to feel your life is fullfilled.

So today, I did exactly as I wanted to do, attending to the greenhouse and my various seedlings and go down the garden centre and visit the aquarium shop on the way. Cut my grass when I got back.

Today was, apart from, oh yes I'm currently waiting for my tonsils to be removed, the lumps permanntly in my throat, was a good day.

I'm sure as time goes on my blogs will become longer or shorter depending on the kind of day my mind has let me have. Think today being Sunday is a relaxing day so things such as,the regular panick attacks and trying to work out why a keep having them,the head screaming, morbid thoughts as well as the i wishes and i wish i didn t
have a nice day all
lisa