So I've done it put the last piece in the puzzle. My hubbies actions, unknowingly toward me pushed me into the dark last year. and last night i could feel myslef withdraw into the prison of depression again.
MY Counsellor has helped me free my mind so i can think and i started to reason and say im not going to let this happen again, i can see it and talk about it and reason with it. his comments are not going to push me back.
I never argue back when he s shoutng the odds, i usually withdrwal and my mind goes into over drive thinking about what he s said and then i ask for an apology. but its too late by then the nasty words have already come out of his mouth.
This morning he made me a cup of tea and said sorry and he will come ofo the tablets . He could se that he upset me. ast night was diffferent though In my mind i siad i had enough and phone my friend. he knew he pushed me too far.
Today i'm going to wrte him a letter explianing all that ive written here and today for me is a new dawn!!!!!!!!!!!Yippeeeeeeee

my hubbie does nt like his work and at this time of year he is very stressed. He comfort eats and his gout flairs up. Coupled with his medication , which makes him spaced out. hubbie becomes short tempered and has a short fuse. paranoid and angry. He of course takes this out on me. Last year was the same. Last year his period of being aggressive was alot longer, for about six months. last year by mid summer, i had enough. the aftermath of which left my self esteem so low i had thoughts of suicide and put weight on and was very depressedand i suffer from excess acid, due to stress and IBS and everyone around me was having a pop at me, pull yourself together they d say, hubby went on hol on his own twice cause i was so low and started saying i dont do anything which reinforcd my thoughts about myself.
NOW THIS YEAR IM NOT GOING TO LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN. AFTER ALL WHERE IS HE AFTER HE S TAKEN EVERY INCH OF ME , HE S NOT THERE TO PICK ME UP ONLY TO BE MORE FRUSTRATED AND DO HIS OWN THING!
SO THIS YEAR ITS HAPPENING AGAIN, I CAN SEE IT !!!, MOOD SWINGS , PARANOIA, AGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR TOWARD ME AND LITLE MAN, SPACED OUT , POOR MEMORY, SHOUTING, LOOKING RED AND ANXIOUS !. LAST NIGHT WAS IT ! I SAW EVERYTHING IN FORNT OF ME, THATS WHAT TRIGGERED MY DEPRESSION AND WITHDRAWL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND LAST NIGHT I SAID IT , I F HE HE DOESN T SORT HIMSELF OUT IM NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH ANYMORE !
WHAT A RELIEF, I CAN NOW SEE THE WOOD FOR THE TRESS, MY INITIAL DIMISE THAT SEEM TO BE HOLDING ME BACK, THE FINAL PIECE OF THE PUZZLE.

my sensitiveity seems to be getting the better of me form all directions really. hubbies is taking soem medication at the miute and is making him all spaced out. he getting frustrated and very forgetful, whereby he then proceeds to be angry and absuive toward me, I ve told him to calm down and stop being so up tight all the time and agressive but he does nt seem to be hearing me cause of what the tablets are doing. It s upsetting me very much. horrible remarks and swearing at meall the time is not nice. In fact this was what brought me really down last year and started my stress off then and then depression. it got so bad i phoned the doctor up and told him to stop giving him repaet prescriptions and to make him see him. Hubbis has gout so maybe the pain is so bad that he cant handle the pain and is unwittingly taking it out om me. So really now instead of retreating i ve got to talk this out this year. He S upsetting me again this morning like yesterday and i feel like crying, instead of keeping it in i ll tlak it out i suppose. The damming remarks, get lost, sod, off shut the fuck up, getthe fuck out lines he says over and over again are wearing me down. He is obviously got alot on his mind and it comes out as this but im not going to let the remarks get to me this time only to ask him to get himslef sorted out with the doctor and he should continue to eat the things he does to bring it on then i can only put up with so much.
It annoys me that he puts a brave face on things when he s other people and lets rip with horrible commets towards me. He starts saying that its not al his falut as we then start to argue about other rthings instead of talking decently. He's all for saying one should talk at the table with other things but then he cant do it himslef when hes in pain. THis brings me to the point of the fact that we could of employed a manager to take some stress away from him last month and he said no. so ive tried. Maybe i ought to write a letter to him , so he can see how he is. He does nt even have the patients towards little man when he s like this. i thank god he doent strike out but then soemtimes its as if i wish he would so i could say right thats it enoughs enough s . how long does one carry one putting up with someones pain... he s had to put up with mine ..... but then im getting better and will only dive deep agagin if i get verbaly abused allthe time and cant escape from it
just like my mum would unwittingly ssy things to me becuse she could nt cope with her stress and pain

Just realised that huubie want me to do the things that his mum use to do for him and im use to my dad did everything.

No sooner than i thought things were safe to go out the door then bammm!, back into oblivion! It was only an hour ago when I was emailing a friend saying how happy i was then that was it, sent back into being scred in an instant.! Hubby and i were asked out to a meal out, with next door, that was fine, but then to say this week, as we ve already got a ball to go to on saturday was like too much for me. I m preparing for the ball in my own mind and i suppose ive been caught totally off gurad by this sudden invite
. Well i think maybe the fact that i ve been preparing for the ball and looking forward to going is and indication that making me prepare for the event in plenty of time is a good thing. I know where it is , what im to wear etc, so in a sense im not really right after all. I do enjoy going out of and evening its just the lead up to it, so after being suddenly asked i immediatly hit out and made sarcastic remark to howard. Thinking about it now, although my comments were justified i should nt of said them. so now that leaves me feeling total dread about going out, mid week too, unprepared. So im thinking why am i so anxious !. Well its the same thing again isnt it, i had to put up with rude sarcastic comments and also mum would mention that i was an independant liitle person and obviously i would nt have liked any of the decisisons she would of had to have made for me, her being the adult thing. The whole situation just totally sent me into stress.
I feel like crying to be honest i feel so upset and yet yes i like to go out for a meal and next door are great people to get along with.Im scared about going and im scared of the sudden upset.In esscence im realsing that ive still a long way to go and apart from being asked of my opinion, which i will approach hubby about then i should just talk to myself and say its ok, you'll have a good time, there is nothing to worry about and have a good time. It's alot to have to deal with, the journey in the car, the people thing when im getting ther and of course the waiting and lead time up to it, basically everything. well sunday was a greaqt day and that was so unexpected and unknown and after talking to myself about the journey on the way i was fine. I m even finding myself trying to block out the fact that im going, maybe that would be a good thing and worry about it all at the time, it certainly be another way of managing . Managing has to be the answer, like preraing for the ball , so blocking out that im going would be the same thing too if i have issues about going. one day at a time thing. loads of people say that and i ve never really quite realised what that means until recently.
I m going to have to accept that i will always have issues and i just have to learn how to mange them like i am now. I do remebr though that i use to go out on impulse , as a teenager, when my confidence was at its highest i suppose. I do feel alot more confident than i have doen for years to behoenst and i should rawon that warm feeling too now.
Well now i ve calmed down things are nt that bad,i owe an apology to hubby but o will also explain why.
O h yes hubby and nearly had a full scale row this morning, but i manged to keep a lid on my own stress levels. He so stressed he doesnt realise how he tlaks to me and he talsk down and over me and doe snt listne to my opinion. When its come to this business its alwsys been like this between us , so instead of rising to the occasion, i went and cleaned the bathroom, and for sure hubby , after half hour came after me . i explained that i find wacthing him do the acounts and run the business embarrassing as he doesn t know what he s doing, i handed the reigns over to him last year beacuse of the arguments. He said well why dont i'd the accounts then. My answer was that im not going to put myseLf in a siutation where he justs shouts me down all the time when i m trying to say the way things are with the business and i don t want to work with him. I asked him to calm his stress levels down toward me and that i find it upsetiing all the time that he raises his voice to me the way he does.H e said i interupt him, i say he interupts me. but even then he started going off on one about things and shouting agagin about another subject, agagin i calmly just pointed out again, look at the way he s acting, i said, its not on, its not acceptable to me and even to himself. its as if he trys to make me rise to the situation, either that or he wants me to give him the answers and mother him.So therS it is, another discusion and small talk about him being OVER stressed and its upsetting. I suppose in a way i m having counselling and able to cope with my stress and see things for what they are, he isn t. I don t mind pointing out things to him and helping him just as im getting help but there s only so much i can do

As my stress levels come down , i m noticing my senses more.
Cheese is so bloody salty ! and sugar so sweet. Its really weird.

I've realsied that t cope with my issues i ve to keep my stress levels low. It feels great to be calm and hopefully this will have a knock on affect on my little one. Hubby is still looking for answer form me to sort things out, but i cant no longer afford to rise to his stress level.
Like last night i ve said my piece, he comes in all hot and firery and i can t afford to do that any more. Stress has made me ill loose my self esteem and being in touch with myself. It shas affected me physically that my stoach is permanently bloated and the stomach acid attacks my tonsils.
Its also interesting to know everyone that since i've been having counseelling i've lost 22lb.
Yipeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bit of a rocky start, tummy not too good, aint some crisps the previous evening and i felt decididly sick. had a relaxing morning, not rushing around and in the afternoon we had planed to go to a battle reinactment but as little one had a party we didint have enough time. so we went to the party. I was getting anxious in the car so i started talking myself into being calm and everything was going to be ok. when i got there the village hall was et on the edge of the valley and in the valley was the sports field where the kids party was being held. Pimms and ice cream was served for the parents and we all had a lovely time chatting and putting the worlds to rights. the sun was out with a cool breeze and there was nothing more one could ask for for a lovely sunday afternoon.
The evening carried through the same right up until hubby came in whilst i was in bed trying to raise my stress levels as to come up with an answer as to who was going to look after the house for the week whilst on holiday, shouting the odds and trying to get me angry. I did rasie my voice but i didnt get stressd, an indeed i told him so too. That as e wanted the house to be looked after then he should arrnge something. After all i organsied thehliday and would do the shopping and even the packing if he cant organise soemthing then thats poor show. this moring hes all smiles and but im going to ask for an apology for trying to upset me.

I read a piece in the sunday papers today, about couples who are divorced in marriage but still together. I think im on the fence as to say whether my own marriage is like this as there are issues etc that im not happy with. Its hard to maintain the level of togetherness you had in the bginnning during the lust stage unless of course your lucky. Life gets in the way and there becomes a point that all that you had togther or did together that attracted you to that person gets lost or taken for granted and not kept to. Blame bitterness or denial then takes over. Its bloody harde being married and now i ve realised that if i want my mariage to work then it s down to me to initate all that i want from it. To beging with anyway and also talk more. My trouble is that my goals have changed and i ve actually carried out my gaols and that was what binding us together. So to survive i can see thatsmae gaols will staed fast us together again and if we dont have goals then it wont . Sadly i do not fancy my husband, he did all the persuading adn chasing and his mannerisms i do find soemtimes horrifying and embarrasing and the way he teases peoples, which includes me and my son , so much so that it contnually upsets us. so there it is. cards have been dealt on the table.
People love him, he s a people person, says what hey want to hear and is a yes man but at home, he is lazy , he doesn t talk and wants me to be his mum.
I have noticed that since i ve become better in myself he is getting better and our roles as each otheres parents to each other will once agagin become friends ..
I will do my best, that is all one can do................wish me luck

I Felt fine this morning, would have like to have seen julie,but im still anxious about going over to see her, and as sson as the conversation satrted about visiting her i was feeling anxious, i asked her if she coming out to play but she said she going out with morg this morning and afternoon. I explined that my confidence is still low, ive come along way and i just needed more time before i drove all the way to see her. I do still have all the anxieties and i must give myself a pat on the back for doing well yesterday, my throat does nt feel very good and makes me feel low so i cant expect too much of myself when i m in a bit of pain, as m stres levels are off the starting block so litle things and steps while im ill hey. Trouble is when your feeling great julie is ill or soemthing else happens and you ll do that, its hard to syncronise things soemtimes. When you feel like crap you cant often always jump and have to give yourself that space. its hard work, well at least julie is understanding.
Ltlle man and i ent to the garden centre, again i felt like running, i tried to keep a lid on it, bnut my thoughts were running away with me and not being able to focus on calming my inner self down.
so i suppose realy reinforcing and focusng on being calm in the firstinstants and then focus on calming down my inner self down and reasoning with it that its not the same any more and everythings fine now and nothing to fear or be afraid of and talking to myself.
i must practise this more often now , now that evrythings out and getting my inner self use to hearing my voice and talking it through things and reassuring it.
I am doing so well in many other areas, i'm more positive,, in the home and my attitude has slowed down,i odnt ghet so het up anymore and just go with the flow of things within my home now.
I m back on track, after a hiccu, and basically summersisng and managment now.
I also feel happy about that now and of course that i appear to be writing and listneing to my writing as i write, which is a new thing for me too. Its as if there was part of me not writing and it was nt real, it was jumbled and mumbled and all over the place .Its as if someone has turned up the volume and opened the door to my mind and i feel im acknowledging my own thoughts now rather than looking for visual conformation or signals from others about how i feel or how things should be, that feel good and warm inside too. I feel really happy about that too now.D